My children bring me more joy than anything else. It’s not an exaggeration when I say that I would do anything to make them happy.
Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of becoming a mother. I played with baby dolls and treated them as though they were real. My dream was never to have a big, fancy job or travel the world. I wanted to be a mom.
That dream came true in 2018, when my daughter was born. Five years later, my son came into the world, and my heart grew in ways I hadn’t known were possible. My children are my greatest blessing, the loves of my life, and the source of a happiness I had imagined since childhood.
They are also my biggest burden.
Two truths can exist
I know my words might sound harsh. How can the people you love most in the world also be a burden? Before you judge, let me explain.
I am happily married and have been for going on 10 years. I have a thriving business, I have friends and hobbies, and we travel quite a bit as a family. I have many things in my life to be grateful for.
But none of those things bring me the kind of happiness, pure joy, and love that my children do.
But along with that kind of love comes something else. A burden, if you will. As long as I am a mother, I will worry about my children. It doesn’t matter how old they get or how far away they go. They will always be a part of me, and a part of my mind will always be occupied by them.
My feelings will evolve
The worries will change, of course. Today, I might worry that they will fall at the park, come home crying about a bad grade, or have a fight with a friend.
Tomorrow, I may worry about whether they can find a job, if they are happy in their relationships, or whether they are struggling under the weight of life.
The older they get, the more I will have to accept that there are parts of their lives I cannot see, decisions I cannot make for them, and difficulties I cannot always help them overcome.
That is the hardest part. I can love them, guide them, support them, and do everything in my power to protect them. But I cannot guarantee that they will always be happy. I cannot shield them from every disappointment or make sure that life will be kind to them.
This is the burden I am talking about. Not my children themselves, but the weight of loving them so deeply that their happiness and well-being will always matter to me.
This is a feeling I can’t turn off
I will never stop thinking about my children. In that sense, motherhood is a mental burden. It is the constant awareness of someone else’s well-being, the knowledge that there will always be someone to worry about, even when there is nothing immediately wrong.
Sometimes, I think about the freedom of having a mind that belongs entirely to you. To be able to sit quietly, enjoy a moment, or make plans without a part of your mind wandering toward the people you love and wondering whether they are OK.
If I had only myself to worry about, I would surely still have problems, fears, and anxieties. Life would not suddenly become easy. But there is a difference between worrying about yourself and worrying about someone else, especially someone you brought into this world.
There is no real escape from this responsibility. I can be on holiday, enjoying a beautiful day, or sitting quietly with nothing pressing to do, and still find my thoughts returning to my children. The responsibility does not disappear just because, in that moment, there is nothing I need to do.
I chose this and have no regrets
Motherhood takes away a certain kind of freedom, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I wouldn’t give up the joy, the love, or the privilege of watching them grow just to reclaim that part of myself that existed before I became a mother.
But I can acknowledge that something has changed. Becoming a mother has meant that I will never again experience life in quite the same way. My heart is no longer concerned only with my own happiness. It is tied to two other people, and it will remain so for the rest of my life until the day I take my final breath.
Maybe this is what it means to be a mother: to carry a love so great that it brings you your greatest happiness, and your greatest worry, all at once.
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