“We just have chemistry” is one of those phrases that sounds profound and means almost nothing. Nobody can explain it, nobody knows where it comes from, and somehow, when it disappears, that’s also inexplicable. Except it’s not.
According to a piece published in Psychology Today by educator and researcher Cathleen Beachboard, what people call chemistry is largely a product of the first few minutes of any interaction, and the brain is doing most of the work. The words you choose, the questions you ask, and how you respond all influence how another person feels about you, in ways that are documented and replicable. Here are three neuroscience-backed ways to intentionally build that connection.
1. Stop Asking “How Are You?”
Nothing kills a conversation’s flow like opening with the most predictable question in existence. “How are you?” produces a scripted answer, and after that, most people mentally check out.
Research published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology found that recalling a positive memory re-establishes the emotions associated with it, temporarily boosting overall positive feelings. Swap “How are you?” for a question that sends someone back to a good experience: What made you smile today? What are you looking forward to this week? The person answering feels better and associates that feeling with you.
2. Use Their Name and Keep Asking Questions
The brain is not a polite audience. It will absolutely make a conversation feel like it’s not worthwhile, and the thing that makes a conversation worthwhile is feeling like the other person is actually paying attention. That’s a dopamine response, and it doesn’t lie.
When someone tells a story, the instinct is to respond with your own. Resist it. Ask what happened next instead. And use their name when you do. Research from Brain Research found that hearing your own name activates the brain’s self-referential processing areas and triggers a dopamine release. Combining follow-up questions with name use signals interest, which keeps people engaged. The most charismatic people in any room are usually the ones doing the most listening.
3. Let Your Body Do the Work
Psychologists have documented what’s called the “chameleon effect,” the subconscious tendency to mirror another person’s posture, gestures, facial expressions, and speech pace, which creates a sense of likeness and mutual comfort, per Chartrand and Bargh (1999). Most people do this naturally to some degree. Doing it deliberately and gradually amplifies that effect.
The catch is that it has to be gradual. Abrupt mimicry feels forced. The idea is to attune your body language to the other person over the course of a conversation. If they lean in, you lean in. If they slow down, you slow down.
Chemistry can be built. The brain does its interaction by interaction, based on how it sees and hears the other person feels. Less poetic than fate, and considerably more actionable.
The post 3 Ways to Instantly Build Chemistry With Someone, According to Neuroscience appeared first on VICE.
