Are you guilty of over-apologizing for anything and everything? Trust me, you’re not the only one. “I’m sorry” is basically my catchphrase, even when I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.
Someone walks into me? “Sorry!” Someone cuts me in line. “Sorry!!” Someone feels bad for making me feel bad? “Sorry!!!”
It’s instinctual, at this point, but there’s nothing cute about it. Constantly assuming the blame for issues you didn’t cause, or even for innocent mistakes that aren’t actually hurting anyone, does not win you an award. While it might seem endearing, this habit keeps you small and powerless.
Why We Over-Apologize
There are many reasons one might over-apologize, from social conditioning to pure awkwardness.
“Apologizing is empathetic and, when done correctly, can be done through the lens of accountability and respect,” says Maggie Pajak, MSW, therapist with The Witch’s Therapist, a holistic, LGBTQ2S+-affirming therapy collective based in London, Ontario. “But when we overapologize, it can have deeper psychological roots.”
According to Pajak, this can include low self-esteem, rejection sensitivity, anxiety, people-pleasing tendencies, and conflict avoidance.
Who Is Prone to Over-Apologizing?
While anyone might engage in this habit, over-apologizing might be more common among certain groups of people.
“It’s absolutely more common in neurodiverse populations,” says Pajak. “That’s especially true for rejection-sensitive dysphoria.”
“People with anxiety, or who dealt with extreme criticism or shame during childhood, may preemptively apologize to avoid feeling that shame,” Pajak adds. “It’s almost like they’re getting in front of the shame before it happens.”
And, of course, let’s not forget women, who have been conditioned to be more accommodating, polite, and attentive, Pajak says.
“Also, women are more likely to be the victims of violence in domestic situations, and as a result they may find it necessary to overapologize to placate a partner’s violent tendencies,” she adds.
4 Ways to Stop Over-Apologizing
There’s a time and place for apologizing, but only when you feel you’ve genuinely done something wrong and want to express your guilt. Otherwise, let’s break this bad habit in the four following ways.
1. Acknowledge Instead of Apologizing
One of my favorite ways to fight the urge to apologize is by replacing an apology with gratitude.
“This helps us pause and reframe the situation,” says Pajak. “It shifts the focus from your guilt or shame to your gratitude toward the other person. For example, instead of saying ‘sorry it took me so long to reply,’ you might say, ‘I appreciate your patience.’”
2. Challenge Your Negative Thoughts
We often apologize from a place of shame: shame for being “inconvenient,” shame for taking up space, shame for having needs. But have you really done something worth apologizing for, or are you just holding yourself to impossible standards and denying your own humanness?
“This is important because we can still feel negative emotions in scenarios where we’ve done the right thing,” Pajak explains. “So, feeling guilt, shame, or like you’ve disappointed someone isn’t necessarily a sign you need to apologize for anything.”
3. Acknowledge Your Needs
Every person on this planet has their own set of needs. What makes yours any less valid?
“In some cases, people who overapologize do so because they grew up in an environment where their needs were neglected or ignored,” Pajak states. “When that’s in our past, it’s easy to feel guilty or ashamed for making those needs known. Learning to acknowledge and express your needs with people who feel safe can help you avoid overapologizing.”
4. Sit With the Discomfort
One of the best ways to drop this self-conscious habit is by sitting with your own discomfort.
“Attached to the previous example, it’s important to sit with the feelings that come up the first time you assert your needs,” says Pajak. “Where do you feel it in your body? What emotions is it attached to? Perhaps you feel shame, or perhaps you were previously made to feel unsafe. Can you just hold that discomfort? Can you sit with it? This can help you build a tolerance to that feeling, as uncomfortable as it may be.”
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