Americans were forecast to spend a record $38 billion on Mother’s Day and $24 billion on Father’s Day gifts this year, but they can be difficult holidays for adult children given the estrangement epidemic. Just ask Britney Spears, Prince Harry, Shiloh Jolie or any number of average folks: A YouGov poll showed 38% of U.S. adults refused contact with a family member. Sometimes it’s protective, prompted by violence or abuse. Other rifts might be mendable.
Many offspring assume resuming contact with a parent means they’d have to return to the previous hurtful relationships. But that’s not the case. I heard repeatedly when interviewing experts that cutting off parents can lead to loneliness, isolation, depression and inherited trauma, causing damaging repercussions that could result in a younger generation who never get to know their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.
When appropriate and safe, there are some strategies to reduce extreme severance and hostility toward your kin.
Make a private decision: “You can forgive someone but never speak to the person again if that’s healthier for you,” said L.A. psychologist Ramani Durvasula, author of “It’s Not You.” You can also just pray for your relative, silently wish them well or write letters you do or don’t mail. You don’t have to see them or resume any direct contact.
Ask for the apology you need: Sometimes loved ones don’t understand what they did to cause you harm. “In a letter, email or text you can explain in a calm way why you’re upset and ask someone to apologize,” suggested the Rev. Elizabeth Maxwell of Manhattan. “Of course, they could refuse. Or say ‘Oh, I’m so sorry I had no idea.’ Or they might disagree and want you to hear their side of the story. You have to be clear on whether you’re willing to open lines of communication to see if reconciliation is possible.”
Gather more intel on your own: Discussing your issues with a mentor, grandparent, sibling or family friend you trust might offer illumination. “Something you don’t know might shed light on what happened,” said Connecticut psychiatrist Vatsal Thakkar. He shared a metaphor: “A commuter was enraged when a woman in an SUV stopped abruptly to get something in her back seat, almost causing an accident. He didn’t know the driver’s infant was choking.”
Communicate through an intermediary: Is there someone with insight into the problems you’re facing? San Francisco psychologist Joshua Coleman, author of “The Rules of Estrangement” — who reconciled with his own daughter — has written letters to relatives of patients to break the ice.
Revise the relationship on your terms: You don’t have to share your location, but consider a video chat. “If your separation wasn’t caused by unlawful or egregious behavior, reaching out may be beneficial,” Thakkar said. It might be a leap to spend a holiday together, but you could comment on a parent’s social media post or text “Happy Father’s Day.”
Find neutral ground: “If your relative has expressed interest in reconnecting, you’re allowed to pick a new place and say: ‘I can meet you for lunch Tuesday at this restaurant,’” said Michigan psychotherapist Judith Burdick, creator of the documentary “Transforming Loss.” “You can also suggest doing a therapy session together, whether it’s in person or over teletherapy. It could help, or it could reopen a wound, but then at least you’d have a witness and advocate there.”
Examine your behavior: “You may have been horribly wronged. Yet in some situations, it can also be powerful and brave to admit to making your own mistakes,” said Florida psychologist Diana Kirschner, author of “Love in 90 Days.” “It might release you from feeling like a victim and eliminate the powerlessness that brings.”
Try to have an open heart: Although you may currently benefit from a separation, you can change your mind in the future based on new facts or feelings. Rabbi Joseph Krakoff of Detroit asks families to recite this prayer at a loved one’s deathbed, like the Hawaiian ritual of Hoʻoponopono : “You are forgiven. I forgive you. Please forgive me. I love you.” This, he tells reluctant clients, “is a better way to leave the world.” You can even feel relief from forgiving a parent posthumously, though hopefully you won’t wait that long.
Susan Shapiro is the author of “Five Men Who Broke My Heart” and, most recently, “The Forgiveness Tour.”
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