I grew up in France, and before moving to Fort Lauderdale 10 years ago, I had no idea how different it was to raise a child in the US. I tried to make some adjustments to fit better into American culture, but there were some French parenting norms I just couldn’t let go of.
My daughter learned table manners at age 3
For the French, what we eat is as important as how we eat. When my daughter was 3, I taught her to sit up while eating without resting her elbows on the table, holding her fork in one hand and her knife in the other. Being French, I see it as a way to show respect to others. I also find it more pleasant to be around people who eat nicely.
Every time I go to the restaurant, I notice that American parents have a more casual approach. My daughter doesn’t understand why other kids are allowed to eat with their fingers and chew with an open mouth, but she isn’t. I stand firm on the matter because I believe she will have better opportunities in life if she has good manners.
I don’t give her extra screen time or reward her for chores
My daughter, now 8, has a lot of spare time after school and on the weekends to do what she wants, including screen time. However, I set clear limits. She can only watch 45 minutes of television daily. She doesn’t have a phone or a tablet, and she isn’t allowed to use mine to access the internet. In the pediatrician’s waiting room, she is the one holding a book instead of a phone.
I don’t reward her with additional screen time, even for good grades at school, whereas her friends are granted more time on their devices. In fact, I never offer her incentives to do anything, though it seems Americans are more likely to do so.
My daughter told me that her friends receive money for setting the table or putting away the dishes. I prefer to establish clear boundaries. I explained to her that it is her responsibility to help at home and that there is no incentive to do so. She knows that if she doesn’t help, I will be disappointed, which she doesn’t want. Now, she sets the table without me asking.
At gatherings, I have noticed that some parents regard me with curiosity when they see my daughter sitting quietly next to me, while their kids are racing around the tables. They probably perceive me as too strict.
I avoid over-praising my daughter
I admire the time and energy that my American friends devote to fostering their children’s self-esteem. They never miss sports practice to encourage and support them, whereas I just drop my kid off and go do something else.
At the library, I regularly witness young children making ordinary scribbles. Their American moms always compliment them as if they were Picasso: “That’s fantastic; you’re very talented!”
I don’t give overly positive feedback to my child, especially when she rushes through a drawing with minimal effort. When she returns from school with an A, I just say, “Good job on your hard work,” while many of her classmates get gifts and lots of praise from their moms.
I want my daughter to be confident, too, but I worry that overconfidence can inhibit self-reflection and improvement. To help her believe in herself, I focus on independence.
Overparenting is not for me; I prefer to rely on independence
Ever since she was very little, I have tried to encourage my daughter’s independence and pushed her to do things on her own. I think that builds her confidence, and it also allows me to have more time for myself.
At six months, she slept alone in her bed without waking us through the night. At 4, she tied her shoelaces and got dressed for school by herself, which gave me more time to get ready. At 8, she manages her homework without my supervision. It teaches her to be responsible for her actions. If she doesn’t complete it, she receives a failing grade, something she strongly dislikes.
Now that I live in the US, I realize that helicopter parenting really exists. Many parents here supervise their children rather than let them do things on their own. My friends closely monitor homework, even when it overwhelms them and their kids.
In our competitive society, I understand parents’ desire to help, especially with assignments. However, that approach doesn’t suit me. I prefer to spend the time I dedicate to my child at the beach, laughing, rather than reciting multiplication tables.
There is no right way to parent, and raising a kid in a country with another culture has not always been straightforward for me. But our family has so far found a balance between French and American parenting that works for us, although my daughter feels a stronger connection to American culture.
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