We all have our own (sometimes unhealthy) relationship habits, and self-awareness is the first step to addressing them. Patterns like excessive people-pleasing or clinginess often stem from insecurity and a fear of rejection or abandonment. Sometimes, it’s also evidence of a weak or incompatible connection.
Whatever the case, if you express your love through clinginess, it might be time to take a step back and reflect. Here are five signs you might be a stage-five clinger.
1. You Are Hypervigilant to Signs of Abandonment
Hypervigilance in and of itself often results from trauma. Our nervous systems can remain on high alert, especially following betrayal or abandonment.
According to Dr. Timothy J. Nguyen, Licensed Psychologist and EFT Couples Therapist at BalanceHour Therapy, this might look like “constantly scanning and monitoring your partner’s mood, tone of voice, and response times while trying to anticipate their feelings about you.”
“Your brain may be constantly alert for detecting threats by continuously scanning for any signs, cues, clues, or hints of disconnection,” he adds.
2. You Engage Through Protesting
Protest behavior is a manipulative tactic used to regain a connection or receive reassurance from your partner. For example, you might give your person the silent treatment so they’ll “prove” their love and dedication to you.
“You’re forcing engagement through protesting behaviors, such as blaming, poking, prodding, picking fights, threatening to leave, nagging, etc.,” says Nguyen. “Underneath the surface, these are all attempts to get closer to your partner, and yes, this includes the behavior of threatening to leave if you are secretly hoping they will pull you closer.”
3. You Interpret Boundaries as Abandonment
When your partner sets boundaries (e.g., asking for alone time, needing personal space), do you take it as a personal attack? If so, this might be a sign of clinginess.
“When your partner spends time alone, goes out with friends, wants to spend time separate from time with you, or sets boundaries that allow for space, you feel a sense of panic, rejection, abandonment, isolation, or intense sadness,” Nguyen explains. “If you grew up without a secure connection and without a secure attachment to your parents or caregivers, then your alarm system may be calibrated to fear space and distance, to where space and distance is now associated with relationship failure.”
4. You Need Constant Reassurance to Ease Your Anxiety
As someone with OCD, I need quite a bit of reassurance for my brain to chill tf out. Thankfully, I’ve learned not to carry this into romantic relationships, as it can quickly turn into an unhealthy dynamic.
“When you feel there is a threat in the relationship, you may frequently ask questions such as, ‘Are we okay?’ or ‘Do you even care about me?’ or ‘Do you love me still?’ And even with your partner’s reassurance, you may still feel deeply worried that your partner will leave one day,” says Nguyen.
Checking in with your partner is healthy, but constantly asking for reassurance can become exhausting for both of you. As tough as it might be, you must work on self-soothing in these moments.
5. You Often Misinterpret Your Partner’s Actions
A partner who struggles with clinginess might misinterpret their partner’s actions as signs that they might leave you.
“When you pursue your partner, you interpret their withdrawal, defensiveness, or wanting to avoid the situation as abandonment and rejection. You don’t see it as their best attempt to maintain peace between you two,” Nguyen explains. “This sense of abandonment and rejection then increases the intensity of your pursuit until one day you are entirely exhausted and give up your pursuit. Oftentimes, this is when your partner then pursues you due to their own fears, and also, this is when many couples start searching for a couples therapist.”
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