Halloween is behind us, but for some, the real spooky season is just around the corner: the winter holidays and the emotional labor (read: distress) that they entail.
It starts with the shopping, something many put off until the last minute, which results in breathless panic, bad decisions, resentment and regrets.
It’s not too late to do things differently this year. Black Friday is still three weeks away. How can we take a deep collective breath and make it all mean something this year?
We found the right person. “I like meaning,” said Priya Parker, an evangelist for togetherness and the author of “The Art of Gathering” (and more recently “The Art of Fighting”).
She also enjoys the art of gift-giving. To her, “a gift is an object in which we can pass meaning or emotion between one another.”
We recently spoke to Parker about holiday shopping as both an activity and a mind-set. Our interview, which has been edited and condensed for clarity, just may help you get into a giving state of mind.
What makes a good gift?
The best gifts are often when the givers have both a creativity and an urge. Some of best gifts I’ve seen are often a symbol or an object that represents something like an inside joke.
In modern life, particularly in a capitalistic society, our flattened notion of the gift is often based on price and object. Yet gifts have an entire set of meanings that can transform relationships or end them.
Have you ever received a relationship-ending gift?
I’ve had and witnessed relationship-ending gifts. And I think the core emotion behind the recipient of the gift is, “Wow, do they even know me?”
Do you consider yourself a good gift giver?
When I have time! One of the things I loved doing as a young person was taking weeks, sometimes months, to make a collage for someone I loved. I would collect magazines for months, I would print out all the photos of a friend or my mother, and I would spend weeks putting it all on a white poster board. And I couldn’t wait to present it to them.
How can we get in the mood, or at least in the right head space, before diving into the gift-giving season?
When you think about a person, whether it’s your child or a friend or a parent, ask yourself questions like, “What would I like them to experience more of in this next year?”
So it’s not actually starting with the object, it’s starting with the emotion. What do I want for the people in my life? Gift-giving is both power and connection. What do I know of them and, also, how much of me do I want to bring into this?
Gift-giving is almost like the last step. The first step is thoughtfulness and looking around at both need and desire.
How do parents bring more meaning to the gifts they give their amazing, adorable, extremely gift-hungry children?
For children or young people, maybe think back to what we were like at that age, like 9 or 12, and ask yourself, What would I have wanted to experience?
Every year, my husband and I try to figure it out. Part of what I try to do in my own family is pause well before the moment of panic and ask the larger question, which is the question of modern life: How do we want to do this, and why?
Is there a “gift pact” that groups should make with each other?
Shared norms are very helpful. Many families I know have, like, hit pause and said, What do we actually care about? How do we want to spend our collective money?
And I think part of modern life is that the rituals and the traditions that may have served us earlier may no longer make sense. We sometimes just need to update the constitution.
What’s your go-to gift when you can’t think of anything?
I keep a gift drawer of certain gifts that I just know will be the right gift for certain moments in life. I keep a stack of a very specific five-year journal. If a friend is having a child or starting a new part of life or I just think they’d love it, that’s a gift I give. And I can have 10 of those. I’m not constantly rethinking, What is it that I most want to give?
The other go-to is a stack of three of my favorite books, tailored a little to the recipient.
The bigger thing when I don’t know what to give is the card that goes with the object. The card is really important because it’s the language that wraps the meaning around the present.
Are you big on giving a card with every gift?
Yes, because the card is the most literal transference of information and meaning. And if I don’t have a card, I like to put the gift in someone’s hand and say, “This is why I thought of you for this.” Unless it speaks for itself.
Are there times when we shouldn’t give gifts?
I don’t think there’s a hard and fast rule of when to give a gift or when not to, but in all shared experiences, it’s helpful to sort of call ahead and be like: Hey, how’s this going to go? And what are our agreements? Half of modern life is just coordination.
Let’s also talk about receiving gifts. Any tips for pretending to love something you don’t?
[Laughs.] You say thank you.
But it’s much more common now for people to say, “I’m not fully sure if you like this, but there’s an exchange receipt here, so please get something you love.” There are outs in gift-giving.
But this relates to the power aspect of gifts: Is this a peer? Is this a relatively equal relationship?
If it’s not, you zip your mouth and say thank you. Sometimes the thought does count because we don’t all know each other. And so acts of gift-giving can also just be attempts at connection.
The post This Is the Gift-Giving Pep Talk You Need appeared first on New York Times.
