Everyone has an explanation for why the last relationship ended. Bad timing. Bad texter. Commitment issues. The apps. Mercury. After enough near-misses, though, it might be time to look at the common thread in all of those. You.
Wanting a relationship is easy. The harder part is what happens once somebody starts getting close enough to disappoint you. Psychologists at TherapyDen describe emotional unavailability as learned self-protection, usually built after closeness started feeling unsafe. Dr. Eli Kraiem told Cosmopolitan that wanting love and handling intimacy are two separate skills.
1. You’re Always the One Who Cares Less
Maybe you never text first because you’d rather die than look overeager. Maybe you wait for them to say they miss you before you admit the same. Eventually, though, they notice the arrangement. They’re always volunteering the vulnerable part, while you stand back waiting to see if the building catches fire.
2. You Lose Interest as Soon as Someone Likes You Back
A crush can be intoxicating when half the appeal is uncertainty. Once they start returning the interest, making plans, and asking how your day went, suddenly you’re painfully aware of the way they chew. Research discussed by Psychology Today notes that people with avoidant tendencies pull away as intimacy increases.
3. You Keep Choosing People Who Can’t Give You Much
After the fourth person who “isn’t looking for anything serious,” your luck starts needing a better alibi. There’s something convenient about falling for people who already come with an exit built in. The married-to-work one. The emotionally hung-up ex situation. The person three states away. You can spend months wanting someone and never deal with the mundane intimacy of actually having them.
4. You Find Something Wrong With Everyone
Standards are fine until the list starts getting ridiculous. Bad shoes. The word “yummy.” A kitchen sign that says “Gather.” Then you have one close weekend, and now everything about them is irritating. That timing is usually telling you something. Picking them apart can be a very efficient way to create distance without having to admit you’re uncomfortable.
5. You Handle Everything Alone
Independence can become a very efficient way to keep people at arm’s length. You stay busy, solve everything yourself, and rarely leave enough empty time for another person to wander in. Psychology Today notes that avoidant attachment can come with overscheduling. Intimacy usually needs a few hours that accomplish absolutely nothing.
6. You Share Facts Instead of Feelings
You can tell someone every miserable detail of your past and still be surprisingly hard to know now. They know why your parents divorced, what your ex did, and which former boss made you drink on weeknights. Then something hurts, and you can’t say the three words that would help most: “I need reassurance.”
7. You Shut Down When Someone Else Gets Emotional
Some people are great with feelings until the feelings belong to somebody else. Then the advice starts. Or the joke. Or the dishwasher gets very important for some reason. The hard part is staying put while another person is upset and resisting the urge to fix the moment just so you can stop feeling uncomfortable.
What to Do About It
Pay attention to the point where things are going well, and you suddenly want out. That’s usually more revealing than whatever reason you come up with afterward. Therapy can help if closeness keeps making you retreat. The unpleasant part is admitting that the problem may have followed you from relationship to relationship for a reason.
The post 7 Signs You Might Be Emotionally Unavailable Without Realizing It appeared first on VICE.
