My husband’s best friend is married to a woman who is an eternal victim, a compulsive liar and a horrible gossip. She seems nice enough on the surface, but dig a few inches deep, and you quickly realize why she has burned just about every bridge she has ever built.
Her husband has accused mine of being distant, at times even hinting that he’s a social climber for not wanting to hang out with him and his wife. The resentment has been brewing for some time, and I am near my breaking point. My husband is a very nice man and a people pleaser, and I hate the fact that his friend has made him feel guilty.
Do I encourage my husband to tell his friend the truth? Or do we (as two couples) just continue to silently grow apart? I feel that my husband owes it to him as a friend to explain that his wife is someone we do not want in our lives. Right now it feels as if we’re in this awful holding pattern, and I want to find a solution. — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
Your husband, you suggest, is conflict-averse in ways that would make it hard for him to talk to his friend about his wife. Yet you never actually say how your husband feels about her. That’s worth pausing over. Is this a shared dislike that he feels unable to act on, or is it possible that he finds her company more tolerable than you do, and his conflict aversion makes it hard for him to tell you so?
But let’s take up the ethical issue concerning the role of candor within relationships like these. If this woman is really as you describe her, her husband probably isn’t totally unaware of her darker side. Still, what would be the result of the frank conversation that you evidently seek, even though you don’t propose to initiate it yourself? Will the man vigorously agree, and, energized by the revelation, start divorce proceedings? Or will he be loyal to his wife, as one would expect of a loving spouse, and respond by cutting off ties with your husband and you?
I’m guessing he will choose loyalty, and I’m guessing you would be fine with that outcome. But what about your husband? He’s the one with a close friendship at stake. Suppose your husband told his friend that he values his company but that their wives don’t get along (if that’s the situation), or that the couple dynamic has become uncomfortable (if that’s more the size of it) and he would rather see him one-on-one. If this isn’t enough for his friend, your husband may have to accept that the friendship now comes with terms he can’t honor.
That’s assuming, of course, that you’re intent on bringing matters to a head. This woman might well be as difficult as you suggest. But before you urge your husband to speak on behalf of this “we” you invoke, make sure that “we” is truly the right pronoun.
A Bonus Question
My brother has lived with our elderly mother in our childhood home for several years. At first his presence was helpful, but his support has declined, and he now appears largely financially dependent on her.
Our mother is now in short-term inpatient rehab, and she wants to move to my city, closer to me and her grandchildren. She plans to enter assisted living here, which would require selling her home.
I am conflicted about our obligations to my brother if the house is sold. He helped our mother in the past, but more recently he has hindered efforts to bring in professional caregivers and seems unwilling to continue as her caretaker. I do not want him left homeless, but he is an adult and has resisted previous offers of help.
How should we handle his living situation as we move forward with our mother’s relocation and the sale of her home? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
Your mother is the most vulnerable person in this picture, and her welfare is justly your priority. Dealing fairly with your brother means giving him notice, so that he can prepare. You can help him look for housing, connect him with whatever services might be available and discuss a defined amount of short-term assistance. But clarity is key: If it’s your mother’s decision to move closer to you and to sell the house, your brother needs to understand that he will have to make his own long-term living plans.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader who worried that her friends’ adult son might harm them and wondered what to do. She wrote:
I have friends in their 70s who have taken in their adult son following his divorce. It is going on two years now, and he is making no progress at finding work or moving out. Granted he has mental-health issues, like panic disorder and depression, but he lives rent-free, has a dog he does not take care of and berates his parents on a regular basis. His parents won’t even ask him to help around the house because they are afraid of his volatility. He can become extremely angry, especially toward his father. He also owns a gun. … His father is going to retire in a couple of months, and they are planning to sell their home and move out of state. They have told their son that he is not coming with them, and the son is upset about this. … As the deadline of the move approaches, I truly worry the son will shoot himself or shoot his parents and then himself. … Do I call adult protective services? Do I alert the police that a mentally ill man owns a gun? I am truly concerned. — Name Withheld
In his response, the Ethicist noted:
It’s often hard to judge from the outside whether people who own guns pose a threat to themselves or to others. … All the same, you’re describing a disturbing situation. … So you can legitimately share your concerns with the police, offering the details you know about. … For all that, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was nothing that law enforcement could do. That doesn’t make you wrong to have made the call. And yes, I would also give serious thought to informing adult protective services about your apprehensions. It isn’t as if you would be disrupting an arrangement that’s working for everyone involved. If his parents are being intimidated, they may need help planning a safe exit. Are you overestimating the dangers? Let’s hope so. But given your concerns and given what you know, staying silent would be a decision, too. This is a situation where it makes sense to ask for help.
(Reread the full question and answer here.)
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Contacting the police would be like striking a match to kindling, because the first thing the police may want to do is talk to the son. Instead, the parents or some neutral party should be working with the son to find affordable housing and income, even if it’s only welfare benefits. If he reacts with threats, then contact the police. — Mary
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My close friends were in a very similar situation with their son. When he threatened them with violence, they called the police. He was arrested, which started him on a path to gaining better control of his illness. Calling in the authorities can sometimes be a lifesaver. — Jan
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Given that your friends can’t afford counseling, why not contribute funds toward a set of group sessions, as this might help everyone concerned? The son may learn that he needs medication, which could help him find work and get him back on track. Maybe there are other friends who might help with this, or an association that they are affiliated with. — Fiona
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I generally agree with everything the Ethicist has said here, but there seems to be a glaring omission. Is there not good cause, if not an obligation, to talk with the friends first? Perhaps they would welcome an intervention; perhaps they would share information that would put the writer’s mind at ease. In any case, it seems they should be in the loop. — Douglas
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I would reach out to adult protective services first, and soon. They will figure out what to do with the information provided and are trained to respond appropriately. If you reach out to law enforcement first, you take the risk of alienating the entire family, and you’re making it a legal matter from the start. Additionally, it’s important to remember that not all police officers are trained in how to handle mentally ill people. Adult protective services will know what to do next. — Emily
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