Halloween means a lot of things to a lot of people. When you think about it, the homeless are basically dealing with a massive all-you-can-eat buffet if they play their cards right—and why not pass off all that leftover candy on someone who actually needs it?
This is also the one time of year religious folks feel as though their kids can dress up like the Devil himself and not spend an eternity in Hell as a result. But wherever you fall on the spectrum, Halloween has to do with fun. So, with that in mind, here’s a selection of carefully curated jokes to get you into the holiday spirit…
10. MITCH HEDBERG
“I just took the winter survival kit out of my car. You see, for the winter, I put candles in my car in case my car breaks down and it’s cold. I got chocolate bars in there in case my car breaks down on Halloween.”
9. RODNEY DANGERFIELD
“Man, I was ugly. For Halloween, we never had a pumpkin, they made me stand in the window.”
8. JAY LENO
“Remember when we used to worry about some weirdo having a razor blade inside an apple on Halloween? Not anymore. Like a kid today would eat an apple.”
7. RICKY GERVAIS
“Happy Halloween…it’s a magical time of year when we try to scare kids with tales of ghosts and ghouls and vampires; all good fun. If you really wanna scare children, tell them about priests and ‘70s DJs and my Uncle Sid—proper wrong’un. Murdered in jail, eventually.”
6. CONAN O’BRIEN
“For Halloween, I’m going as a newspaper.”
5. JOHNNY CARSON
“Well, today is Halloween. I guess this is the time of year when parents come up with about 70 bucks for a costume so that kids can go out and get about three dollars worth of candy.”
4. CRAIG FERGUSON
“I’m looking forward to Halloween, seeing all the monsters and the nightmarish imagery. Then I’ll turn off the campaign ads and wait for the trick-or-treaters.”
3. LEWIS BLACK
“The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It’s unbelievable, man. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that’s never been advertised. And there’s a reason: All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.”
2. JIM GAFFIGAN
“My favorite holiday is Halloween, and not just because women use it as an excuse to dress like prostitutes. You ladies totally do. ‘I’m a witch!’…If she was a hooker. ‘I’m Little Miss Muffet!’…I’m sure you are.”
1. GEORGE CARLIN
“If Charles Bronson had lived in my neighborhood, he would’ve been a Playboy bunny. On Halloween, we would dress up funny and kill a person. And we always did things differently: Once a week, a bunch of us liked to get drunk and beat up heterosexuals.”
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