We spent months preparing a beautiful home wedding for our daughter — with many guests, a vibrant floral backdrop and a gifted guitarist. The groom’s brother and the bride’s sister officiated the ceremony together. After delivering thoughtful remarks and listening to the bridal couple exchange heartfelt vows, the groom’s brother dropped his trousers and bared his naked butt to the guests — with the first names of the bride and groom temporarily tattooed onto his butt cheeks. Cameras clicked, pictures were posted, and that single image branded the day. To me, the prank debased a beautiful event — like a cockroach in a bowl of perfect cherries, but no one in the wedding party sees anything wrong with the prank or is willing to confront the exhibitionist. I feel hurt by the gesture and disappointed by the apathy. Should the groom’s brother know this?
MOTHER OF THE BRIDE
I understand how you feel: as if all your tasteful planning were for naught. I’m almost inclined to give you extra leeway for your startling roach-on-the-cherries imagery. But as I understand it, you’ve already consulted members of the wedding party (presumably, your daughters), and they don’t share your opinion. That doesn’t make them apathetic: They simply disagree. Still, your feelings are valid.
It does raise a question, though: Why use members of the wedding party as your ventriloquist dummies? If you are upset about the behavior of your son-in-law’s brother, tell him. Now, you may have judged that scolding him is not a great way to begin what may be a long relationship. I tend to agree. But there’s probably a middle ground between silence and a dramatic proclamation that he ruined the day.
So keep calm, say your piece and carry on. The next time you see him, say: “I was not a fan of your mooning the guests, but I guess others found it amusing.” I see no problem with an honest statement, but if you worry that your daughter and son-in-law may object, check in with them first. I wouldn’t start a quarrel with your new in-laws over this.
Why Rain on a Baby Shower?
I have been invited to a baby shower for a distant relative. Included in the invitation was a card with the gift registry information, another card with a request to bring a favorite book for the baby and a third card requesting a package of diapers with a chance to win a prize. A raffle for bringing a gift? Ugh. This kind of commercialism disgusts me. I’m considering going away for the weekend so I can be far from this party. Thoughts?
INVITEE
It’s not exactly breaking news that some people get overexcited about the big events in their lives — including new babies. As a bystander, I try to give them grace: The number of joyful occasions in life is not infinite. So I try to be happy for them, even as I recognize that they may be going overboard. If I can’t be happy for them — or if I, like you, find myself disgusted by an invitation — I take that as a reliable sign that I should skip the party. I doubt that a distant relative will be missed. And moralizing about the exuberance of others is not necessary.
Can’t Share What You Don’t Bring!
I bring my toddler son to our neighborhood park frequently. Another family with a toddler is often there. The boy is sweet, but he asks me on arrival for toys and snacks. I bring both in abundance! I’ve come to dread seeing him: I’m annoyed that his family doesn’t bring their own toys and snacks. I refused him a toy recently that my son wanted to play with. May I say something to the parents?
PLAYGROUND MOM
Toddlers are not known for their impulse control. (In fairness, their prefrontal cortices have barely begun to develop.) That’s why most parents I know bring only toys and snacks to playgrounds that they are willing to share. Why be party to a toddler meltdown over a few Goldfish crackers that you brought to a communal space?
Now, I understand your annoyance that some parents are not as prepared as you. But since most toddlers last barely an hour on the playground, are all your abundant toys and snacks necessary? Perhaps the better workaround here is to minimize your supplies — not to ask that other adults come similarly equipped. When you enter a shared space with toddlers, be prepared for grabby little hands.
Nothing to Hide at a Nude Beach
On a weekend trip to a nude beach, my wife ruled out swimming. She said the water was too cold for her. Our friend replied that if she stayed close to him, she would be fine: He had enough body heat for them both. I interpreted his remark as flirtatious. My wife didn’t take it that way. She thought he was just joking about her inability to tolerate cold water. Am I being oversensitive?
HUSBAND
I can see both sides here. Your wife would have to be awfully close to your naked friend to absorb his body heat. (And that Kathleen Turner movie was racy.) But he made the remark out in the open, which suggests joking more than flirting. I would let this go — unless your friend has made you or your wife uncomfortable in the past.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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