Often, when getting to know someone romantically, we focus more on attraction or chemistry than on their personality and other non-physical qualities. Think about it: after you tell friends or loved ones about the person you’re seeing, how often do you hear questions like, “Can I see a photo of them?” “Is she hot?” “How tall is he?” Etc.
Many of us have been conditioned to value looks over personality, but that rarely gets us the romantic companionship we seek. Rather than evaluating a date based on their appearance, it’s time to consider what’s beneath their facade. According to a therapist, here are five non-physical traits to look for in a partner.
1. Emotional Maturity
To guarantee basic respect, empathy, and kindness—all the bare minimum, by the way—you must prioritize emotional maturity in a romantic partner.
“Emotional maturity has nothing to do with never feeling upset and everything to do with being able to manage difficult emotions in a responsible manner,” says Kat Grassetti, LCSW, Clinical Director at Monima and an EMDR practitioner. “A person you can consider emotionally mature may communicate openly, acknowledge their own mistakes, apologize appropriately when wrong, and go through disagreement with no blame and/or avoiding conflict. The behaviors listed above help to develop an atmosphere of emotional safety that will provide a framework from which many of the everyday conflicts in a relationship are navigated.”
2. Consistency
While some people thrive off the excitement of hot-and-cold dynamics in relationships, someone seeking a genuine connection with long-term potential should value consistency.
“Consistency is one of the most obvious ways that you can determine if someone has an overall sense of dependability in their relationships,” Grassetti says. “Typically, dependable people do as they say, communicate consistently, and show care for others by doing small things every day, not always big dramatic things. As a result of being consistent about your communications and how you act, you can develop the ability to be trusting with each other.”
3. Empathy
One of my top priorities in dating has always been empathy, because it helps me feel seen, supported, and understood. If your relationship lacks this sense of emotional safety, you might find yourself constantly over-explaining your feelings and facing resistance from your partner.
“Empathy is having an open mind and wanting to be able to understand what your partner has experienced, whether or not you have the same view of the issue as they do,” Grassetti explains. “If a partner is listening without getting defensive, dismissing their partner’s ideas, or feeling that it is up to them to ‘solve’ every problem in the relationship, then the relationship will likely feel much more supportive. It would be great if someone was interested in how you are feeling rather than constantly trying to prove a point.”
4. Self-Awareness
Someone who lacks self-awareness likely won’t grow and evolve within the relationship. In fact, you might end up feeling more like a nagging parent than a partner, or you’ll end up constantly advocating for your needs.
“Self-awareness allows people to see how their habits, emotions, and previous life experiences impact the dynamics of a relationship,” says Grassetti. “The ability for a person in a partnership to be aware of themselves will also allow them to acknowledge their own behavior and patterns. They may also have the desire to make changes if they feel those behaviors are contributing negatively to the relationship.”
5. Respect
It doesn’t matter how attractive someone is—if they don’t respect you, your time, and your needs, they’re not worth your energy.
“Sometimes we can find that we have been respected by being treated with some of the same little everyday things that most of us take for granted,” says Grassetti.
“Respect can be found in a partner who respects your desires, personal space, time, goals, and ability to think on your own, even when you don’t see eye-to-eye. When both partners show respect toward each other as individual human beings, it helps them build a new life together as well. It is not about having to always agree or constantly give in to the needs of the other.”
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