In many long relationships, people notice that the pull they once felt toward their partner has gotten quieter, or stranger, or just…different—and they assume something has gone wrong. Therapists hear this constantly. The science has a more complicated answer.
Licensed clinical social worker Sheila Robinson-Kiss has spent years telling therapy clients something that usually gets a puzzled look in response: you don’t actually need to feel sexually attracted to your partner to have great sex. Writing in Psychology Today, she argues that attraction is one pathway to arousal—touch, admiration, emotional safety, and shared history are others. Longitudinal research on committed relationships backs her up: sexual desire fluctuates over time, and a drop in physical attraction doesn’t mean the relationship is broken. It may just mean it’s older.
What Robinson-Kiss is describing has a clinical name—researchers call it responsive desire, as opposed to spontaneous desire. Spontaneous desire is the movie version: sudden, unprompted, impossible to ignore. It’s what usually drives things early on, when everything is new.
You Don’t Need to Feel Constantly Attracted to Your Partner to Have Great Sex
Responsive desire is slower. It builds after something else starts first—a touch, an emotional moment, physical closeness. The attraction doesn’t arrive and then lead to sex; it emerges somewhere in the middle of it. Research suggests this becomes the norm for many people in long-term relationships, which means waiting around to feel spontaneously attracted is often the totally wrong strategy.
Robinson-Kiss offers a patient she calls Max as an example. Married eleven years, he’d lost any physical draw toward his wife. He watched her get ready for a date one night—she looked great, he knew it—and still felt nothing. The issue, as Robinson-Kiss framed it, was that Max had spent years pre-deciding every intimate encounter before it began. He was always checking for a specific sensation, never finding it, and treating that as confirmation. The work was essentially cognitive: shifting the question from whether his wife still produced a certain charge to who she actually was to him after more than a decade. “It’s crazy that the familiarity I had thought was working against us brought us back together,” he eventually told her. “It was my thinking.”
Our culture doesn’t help. Dating apps, romantic comedies, and most mainstream relationship advice have spent decades selling the idea that passion and excitement are the same thing—and that losing one means losing both. Couples who manage good sex lives over the long haul are usually the ones who figured out that attraction can be rebuilt from different materials. Working with what’s actually there turned out to be enough.
The post Why Losing Sexual Attraction to Your Partner Doesn’t Mean Your Sex Life Is Over appeared first on VICE.
