No one knows you better than your partner. At least, that’s what most couples hope for: that after enough years together and countless late-night talks, you’ll be with someone who remembers your coffee order by heart and senses when you’re stressed before you’ve said a word.
That level of familiarity is often seen as the end goal of a strong partnership. However, the strongest couples treat it as an ongoing process, continuously choosing to keep learning, updating and rediscovering each other over time, according to licensed marriage and family therapists like Elizabeth Earnshaw, who emphasizes that in her own work. It’s rooted in a simple skill that many people normalize in the early days of dating but often abandon later: asking lots of questions.
“The curiosity thing seems obvious in hindsight,” said Earnshaw, author of “’Til Stress Do Us Part.” When initially meeting someone, you naturally want to know where they grew up, what they’re looking for in life and love, what scares them and what makes them feel loved.
Yet once you’ve spent years together, it’s easy to assume those conversations aren’t high-priority anymore. You know your significant other. They know you. What more is there to learn? The short answer: a lot, actually. And by ignoring this fact, Earnshaw warned you may be losing out on a precious opportunity to make your relationship healthier.
Here’s why asking questions is so important, plus how to go about doing it in a way that feels natural.
The case for relearning your partner
Think about how much your perspectives, priorities, interests and routines have changed over the years, even though you’re the same person at your core.
Similarly, that principle applies to the person sleeping next to you every night. And staying close means committing to knowing who they are today — not just the version you fell in love with 20 years ago.
Curiosity, in its own sense, becomes an invitation to connect, said clinical psychologist Cortney Warren, who wrote the self-help book “Letting Go of Your Ex.” Every new question creates an opportunity to listen and remind your loved one, I’m still interested.
Research backs this up, too: A 2017 study conducted by a team of Harvard psychological scientists found that staying curious about the person across from you — by asking thoughtful and specific questions — led people to like their partners more and improved both responsiveness and intimacy in the relationship.
On the flip side, losing the automatic wonder of the honeymoon phase could hurt your relationship. Without those moments of novelty, Warren said couples risk losing the spark and falling into a predictable, routine and boring dynamic.
How to bring curiosity back into your relationship
“Just ask more questions!” doesn’t mean preparing a list of prompts and interrogating your partner over dinner. Experts share practical, low-pressure ways to start relearning each other — even after decades together.
Make time for conversation
It sounds obvious, but forgetting to ask questions is rarely a deliberate choice.
“I don’t think people wake up and say, ‘Oh, I don’t care about my partner anymore,” Earnshaw said. “People are busy,” which means waiting for “free time” to naturally appear rarely works.
Instead, Earnshaw said you need to make time for curiosity.
Even on evenings when you’d rather tune out and scroll, make a habit of using pre-bed time to recap your days. Or reserve Sunday mornings for a coffee run and catch up on the random stuff — your latest interests, weird shower thoughts or simply the high point of your weekend.
Conversations don’t have to be “deep” to matter — nor do they require a formal calendar hold. Even casual chats become more meaningful when they have your full attention.
Ask about moments, not summaries
Broad questions tend to invite broad answers — hence why general openers like, “How was your day” tend to fall short.
“Most people are probably going to say it was fine or it was crappy or the same as always,” Earnshaw explained. “Which then puts that question-asker in a position where they have to ask a better question the next time.”
Instead, zoom in on specific moments. For example, What was the hardest part of work today? Did anything surprise you? What’s something you’re looking forward to later this week?
Better yet, let random daily events do the heavy lifting. Bring up a recent news article, a confusing group chat message, or a funny meme as an entry point into inquiring, “Did you see this?” or “What’s your take?”
“Those types of shared experience conversations can be helpful because the other person will say, ‘No, I didn’t see it.’ Then you would say, ‘Oh my gosh, I have to show it to you,’” Earnshaw explained.
Don’t stop at the first answer
A list of preplanned questions can only go so far. The key to relearning your partner without letting the conversation feel like an awkward Q&A is mastering fluid follow-ups — which first requires you to be a good listener.
In other words, resist the urge to immediately relate their story back to yourself or move on to the next topic. Instead, “try making eye contact, giving them your total attention and following up on what they say,” said Warren.
If you’re not sure how to do that on the fly, look for natural entry points, such as a peculiar detail that catches your attention or a strong reaction from them that suggests there’s more to the story.
When they’re venting about a co-worker, for example, ask how the rest of the team is reacting. If they’re raving about a new restaurant, dig into the nitty-gritty: What dish do they recommend? How did it live up to their other favorite spot?
Usually, it’s the second or third question — not the first — that reveals something you didn’t know.
Save the big heart-to-hearts for date nights
Big-picture discussions about your values, dreams and dealbreakers still need to happen in a long-term marriage. The problem, of course, is that diving into your deepest worries or the state of your marriage feels out of place while you’re just unloading groceries or brushing your teeth.
According to Warren, some talks need their own dedicated space. That’s where date nights come in to talk about things like:
What are your personal or career dreams now? How have your parenting priorities changed? What are some passions, interests or values that you’ve put on the side because other obligations got in the way?
“Then of course, having conversations about your relationship itself, “ Warren added. Some examples: What do you love most about our connection, and what do we need more of? How can I best support you when you’re going through something difficult?
Don’t view these check-ins as a mission to uncover some secret, brand-new version of your loved one. “It’s really about reassessment,” Warren explained. “It’s really about trying to learn about who your partner is, who you are and who you want to be as a couple over time.”
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