Hi! By now, we’re sure you’ve heard the latest about Graham Platner, and we’re sure you’re wondering: Will more shoes drop? No! Absolutely not. Graham is far too masculine to have a large collection of shoes. Unless by shoes you mean something metaphorical, like an allegation. In that case, maybe.
Look, if there’s one thing we at the Platner campaign can say with absolute confidence, it is that he has no skeletons in his closet. Well, there is something made of a skull and bones, arranged the way you would find on an SS helmet, but not a physical, three-dimensional skeleton. If you’re not asking about literal skeletons, there might be some stuff.
Are October surprises in store? Just the beautiful foliage of Maine! Always thrilling, always surprising. Unless you mean “things that we have not mentioned about his past that might come out.” To that we say, “Don’t worry! The worst rumors are untrue! Whatever allegations may emerge are definitely not credible.” (Oh, The New York Times just published new allegations? Probably just ladies yapping!)
We thought we had decided that character did not matter. Didn’t we decide that? Please tell me we decided that on both sides of the aisle, or this election is going to be very awkward.
Look, who among us hasn’t at some point or another admired some Nazi gear and expressed excitement about getting to kill people? The Republican front-runner for governor of Colorado claims that he killed a man when he was 7, and he refused to rule out having killed other people after that. Ken Paxton is Ken Paxton. You think there is a single working-class Mainer under the age of 70 who doesn’t have a Totenkopf tattoo, who wasn’t actively using a private-messaging app to cheat on his wife, who would want to hold elected office?
You said yes to that? Huh! We wish we’d learned that a few months ago! Good to know. We will take that into account in 2032!
The point is: People can change. Please send Platner to the Senate to prove that. That’s the best place to send people to grow and change: the United States Senate!
Look, there’s one thing about Platner that has always been consistent, and that we promise will not change: He is not Susan Collins. Please stop poking into his life! Just focus on his policies! The voters of Maine want him, and we do not want to change that by giving them any more information about him!
Remember, the alternative is Susan Collins! You know what happens if you elect Susan Collins. Roe v. Wade gets overturned. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. gets confirmed. ICE gets funded. The Senate continues to sit there, hoping someone else will check the president. These are your options.
You’re the rube for wanting someone to actively get excited about, a person whose judgment is reliably good in personal matters as well as in pointing out all of the ways the system is broken. For wanting someone who takes everyone else’s life as seriously as his own, who doesn’t see them as targets or collateral. For wanting someone who represents the best of you, not someone who is just not Susan Collins. Forget it, Jake—it’s 2026! You’re the fool for ever getting your hopes up.
The post Don’t Worry! That Was Almost Certainly the Last Graham Platner Scandal! appeared first on The Atlantic.
