Remember that friend you used to spend practically every weekend with? You knew all their relationship drama, probably met every sus person they dated, and couldn’t imagine going more than a few days without talking. These days, you couldn’t even tell someone where they work. You just know they’re still around because you occasionally see them on Instagram.
There’s a name for this. The “5-year-stranger theory” suggests that many close friendships last around five years before two people gradually drift apart. Physician and writer Bruce Y. Lee recently explored the idea in Psychology Today, calling the five-year timeline “a rough rule of thumb—or maybe middle finger, depending on how the friendship ends.”
Some of your closest friendships probably started because you worked together or happened to live near each other. You saw each other constantly without having to make much of an effort, and before you knew it, you were spending weekends together and knew things about their relationships that you probably had no business knowing. Once your lives stopped overlapping so much, though, staying close required actual planning. And that’s where a lot of friendships started slipping away.
There’s research showing how much our social circles change over time. Dutch sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst surveyed 1,007 people and followed up with 604 of them seven years later. Only 48% of their original close contacts were still in their networks, and just 30% continued filling the same roles, such as someone they could confide in or call for help around the house. Interestingly, the overall size of their social networks hadn’t changed much. People had made new connections as older ones disappeared.
The ‘5-Year-Stranger Theory’ Is Making People Rethink Their Old Friendships
Five years isn’t some official expiration date for friendship, though, and the research doesn’t establish a universal timeline. Still, distance can take a toll. Oxford anthropologist Robin Dunbar told the BBC that friendships can start deteriorating in around three months without enough contact. That’s a short window when you’re busy working, dealing with family obligations, and trying to just keep your own life together.
Some friendships survive decades and thousands of miles. Others fall apart when you’re still living 10 minutes from each other. Lee argues that both people have to make an effort, and that there’s little reason to keep chasing someone who clearly isn’t interested in maintaining the relationship.
One of the stranger things about getting older is realizing how many people you once loved spending time with are now practically strangers. Sometimes there’s a falling-out, but often nothing happens at all. You just stop talking, and eventually it becomes weird to reach out.
And there’s probably someone out there who remembers you the exact same way.
The post Why Your Best Friends Can Become Complete Strangers in Just 5 Years appeared first on VICE.
