If you’re in the dating world, you’re likely familiar with the ever-so-present habit of getting to know multiple potential partners at once. Known as “hyperdating,” this approach can be both beneficial and damaging to your love life, depending on your intentions and how open you are with the people you’re seeing. Here’s what you should know about hyperdating—and whether it’s right for you.
What Is Hyperdating?
Hyperdating involves dating multiple people at the same time. Of course, the concept isn’t new in any way, shape, or form. However, the title describes a very prevalent trend: dating as many people as you can in hopes of finding “the one.” Or, for some, simply playing the field for the fun of it.
“It might be a way of vetting a number of potential partners before settling with one eventually, or it might be a way to enjoy a handful of casual, short-term partners as a conscious dating style,” says Ed Bell, a certified relationship coach and educator who works with gay and bi men.
“Hyperdating has always existed, but is no doubt more common in the era of dating apps because we have access to so many potential partners online. That gives us more choice, but has also encouraged us to keep our options open or be more selective about partner choices. So hyperdating can also be a form of insurance against investing heavily in someone very soon, given they might end the connection or you might not turn out to be a good match together.”
Is Hyperdating a Positive Trend?
According to Bell, hyperdating can be a positive dating tactic if approached with the right intentions.
“I generally encourage coaching clients to be open to getting to know multiple people in the early phase (1-3 dates) of dating for something long-term. It does and should take some time to decide whether someone is a good match for you,” Bell says. “And as long as hyperdating doesn’t become an excuse to avoid making decisions, keeping other people in limbo for months, or avoiding communicating your intentions with people who might move on if they knew how you truly felt, many people today don’t expect a commitment or exclusivity to exist until that’s discussed. So I do recommend clients begin to have conversations about expectations at the latest within a month of getting to know someone new.”
If hyperdating is a more long-term pattern and preference for you, it’s best to communicate this upfront to avoid leading others on, Bell adds. We all have different expectations, boundaries, and needs in romantic connections, and some people prioritize hyperdating above a long-term commitment to one individual.
“I’d encourage daters to be clear on their wants and needs in dating—what dating style is most likely to bring them fulfilment,” Bell says. “I’d also encourage daters to be upfront about their feelings and expectations sooner rather than later—and certainly a few dates in—so that everyone has the right to decide whether they want to keep pursuing that connection or not.”
Pros and Cons of Hyperdating
As with any dating trend, there are some pros and cons to consider.
“On one hand, getting to know multiple people might make one promising connection ending feel lighter,” says Bell. “It can offer a lot of clarity on your wants and needs since it’ll likely become clear who is the best fit for you as a long-term partner.”
However, dating multiple people at once can be draining. Personally, before meeting my boyfriend, I could hardly keep up with just one person in the dating world. Not to mention, you might struggle to form or maintain deep connections with multiple people.
“Splitting your time and energy between too many people can stop you [from] getting to know any of them well, or encourage you to focus on novelty or short-term connections,” Bell says. “If that fits with your preferred relationship style, it’s a valid choice, but it can also prevent people from forming longer-term connections if that’s what they really crave.”
“If your goal is quality, not quantity, you should focus on that,” he adds.
If not, well, that’s fine too. Just be upfront about it.
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