This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Phil Boissierie, a 50-year-old marriage and couples therapist at The Relationship Therapy Group in Silicon Valley. His words have been edited for length and clarity.
I’ve been a therapist for almost 20 years, and cofounded The Relationship Therapy Group with my wife about 10 years ago. I specifically work with couples and high-powered individuals in Silicon Valley.
The news of Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang admitting to an extramarital affair broke over the weekend. People have affairs and work through them all the time; sometimes it makes the relationship stronger in the end.
But this particular story has a lot of nuances; the geopolitical trade and government involvement mean this isn’t your run-of-the-mill CEO who has an affair, gets caught, and tries to do damage control.
Like any business center, I think people in Silicon Valley need to be smart about the relationships they have and how they treat others, because it reflects who you are as a leader and how your company will look, too. And for the most part, people around here do — but mistakes are made; that’s for sure.
I’ve been a therapist in Silicon Valley for almost 20 years
A story like Jensen Huang’s hitting the news can make clients think of past scenarios of their own — things like, “Hey, I had this indiscretion X amount of years ago, and now I’m really worried. What if something gets out about what I did? What should I do?”
What someone should do in that situation varies from person to person. My straightforward advice is, if you’re actively in something and worried or feeling bad about it, stop right away.
If a couple is going to get anywhere positive following an affair, it has to be addressed and prioritized by both individuals, and they need to create a bubble around them of support so they can do that.
At the end of the day, all of these high-powered tech folks are just people; they just happen to be in a special position in life. I see people all the time come out the other side of an affair with a better relationship because it forces the couple to look at things and see, maybe he wasn’t present, maybe they lost their connection along the way, etc.
I think Jensen Huang did the right thing telling his Nvidia staff
If you think about a typical affair, what are the things that make it complicated? The relationship itself, the kids and family, and then any sort of business piece. With Huang and his wife Lori Huang‘s two kids also working at Nvidia, you’ve got all of those factors all together here.
I’m not aware of it being typical to have a rumor of an affair, and then a CEO sends an email to the whole company or their key staff to let them know it happened. My hunch is that it was an effort to get a handle on this thing because it broke in the media and because of all these really complicated geopolitical and security factors.
But when something salacious breaks in the media, you have two choices: bury your head and hide, or address it head-on, and he did the latter. In this scenario, for him, addressing it with the staff, apologizing publicly, and showing that he’s working to repair things is the right move.
I can’t give advice to someone I don’t know, but I feel for his wife because I can’t imagine how stressful it is for her amid the public scrutiny. I think right now it’s important for her to have someone close to her who can advise her and help her take care of herself to get through this stressful time. (Editor’s note: Lori Huang has not commented publicly about her husband’s admitted affair.)
My advice for couples in high-profile careers
If you’re a C-level individual at a Fortune 500 or Fortune 100 company, time is a real thing. If you’re married, you’re married not only to your partner but also to your job, and that’s hard.
Time away from home and feeling disconnected from your spouse are real issues I see all day long. When I talk to especially busy couples about, “Look, you need to find time to connect,” their minds immediately go to, “I don’t know when I can take a weekend or a week off or a night off because someone’s traveling.” There’s probably a hundred rom-coms that have something to do with business travel.
The key thing I tell spouses is to stay in contact; nowadays it’s easy. Send a text that you miss them and are thinking of them, check in in the evening when you get back to your hotel, things like that. If you’re only in town for a day here and there because you’re constantly traveling internationally, make those days count.
If you only have 10 minutes together because of the pressure between work, the kids, all of it — stop, put the phone and screens away, and use those 10 minutes to connect. Make eye contact, engage with your partner, feel them, and be felt. We’re incredibly social creatures and we need that undivided attention.
Staying connected is more than just asking your partner about how their day is; it’s also about sharing. I tell my busy clients to share about their work, their day, their ups and downs; it brings your partner into your life. Connection is a two-way street; both people share or the whole thing breaks down.
Remember: Your business is important, your investors are important, but your partner is more important.
Do you have a story to share about your relationship affecting your career? If so, please reach out to the reporter at [email protected].
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