A few weeks ago, a friend called me in a panic because her high school bully had contacted her on Facebook to say hello. Was this the start of an apology? she wondered. Or, perhaps worse, did her former tormentor have no recollection of the bullying?
For days, she fretted about what to do. Ultimately, she decided not to write back.
Encountering people from the past can be “startling, even if the relationship was good,” said Terri Cole, a licensed psychotherapist and the author of “Boundary Boss,” a guide to setting limits with others. It can “activate an old version of ourselves,” she added. (Cole remembered hearing from a former boyfriend who had been hard to please, and feeling, once again, “like I had done something wrong.”)
Largely because of social media, most of us are pretty easy to track down these days. So what should you do if a former partner, co-worker or friend suddenly reappears?
First, take a beat before you do anything, Cole said. Then, she and other experts recommended asking yourself a few questions.
What is my gut reaction?
Pay attention to your first reaction when you see the person’s name, said Guy Winch, a licensed psychologist in New York and the author of “Mind Over Grind.”
Your gut feeling is useful information about the context of your relationship.
“And it’s worth exploring whether we’re nostalgic for who we were at a certain time in our lives,” Cole said. “And if we are confusing that feeling with missing the person who was there.”
Why am I responding?
Be honest about why you might reply, said Jeffrey Gardere, a professor of behavioral medicine at Touro University.
Would it be out of curiosity, loneliness, guilt or genuine interest? Is this connection something that you actually want?
“Understanding your own motivation is just as important as wondering about theirs,” he added.
Ask yourself: If I weren’t worried about hurting this person’s feelings, how would I respond? Cole said.
Why is this person reaching out now?
Don’t feel guilty about doing some sleuthing on social media, Dr. Winch said. It could help you figure out the person’s motivations.
For example, I have a long-married friend whose ex got in touch after decades. She looked him up and he had recently posted that his divorce was final.
That sort of information changes things, Dr. Winch said.
Who am I today compared with who I was then?
If it’s been a while since you’ve spoken to the person, it’s worth thinking about how each of you may have changed.
“It may be that an old relationship no longer fits the person you’ve become,” Dr. Gardere said.
In many cases, reconnecting can still work out, Cole said. Maybe you’re in similar life stages now and have more in common. Your shared history could provide comfort or revive a sense of belonging, she added.
How did the relationship end?
Did your relationship finish on a good note or a bad one? How it concluded isn’t the determining factor in whether to re-engage, Dr. Winch said, but it matters.
If things ended badly, he added, you’ll need to acknowledge the rift so that you start again with a stronger foundation.
“Even if it’s saying something like, ‘I was young and hotheaded, and I shouldn’t have said that to you,’” he suggested.
What are my boundaries?
If you’ve decided to move forward, figure out how much access you want to provide, the experts said.
Maybe start small, with a brief phone conversation or a quick coffee date, Dr. Winch said.
But if you determine, as my friend did, that you don’t want to move forward, it’s OK not to respond, Cole said.
“You can feel affection for someone and still not want them in your present life,” she added.
And you could always opt to end the communication. Cole suggested a script you can send over text or email: “It was nice walking down memory lane with you. I’ll always think of you fondly, and I wish you the best.”
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The post Someone From Your Past Wants to Reconnect. What Now? appeared first on New York Times.
