This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Jodie Lopez. It has been edited for length and clarity.
When I first became a mother, I knew I wanted my children to grow up to be independent, resilient, and prepared for life in the real world.
Growing up, my mom wasn’t around much. Although I didn’t want my children to feel alone as I often did, I did want to pass on the independence I developed by doing things for myself. I have never been afraid to go out and do exciting things, and I wanted to raise children who could stand on their own two feet and take whatever life might one day throw at them.
Before being their friend, it was most important to me that I was their mom, preparing them for the day they would eventually leave my care.
Having boys, I also hoped they would grow into men who would make good housemates or partners one day. I’ve talked to them about the stereotypes surrounding men and housework, and I never wanted those stereotypes to become true of them.
Tidying their bedrooms
Even as tiny toddlers and young children, the boys were expected to tidy up after themselves. If they got something out, they would put it away. If they forgot, I reminded them.
Their bedrooms are their responsibility, not mine. While I would help them, I would never simply clean their rooms for them.
Carrying their own backpacks
I’ve always taken the boys out on little adventures. When they were tiny, I carried most of what we needed for the day, but they always had tiny backpacks of their own, usually with a pack of wipes and their own snacks.
By carrying their own snacks, they were able to feed themselves when they got hungry, listening to their bodies and responding to what they were telling them.
As they got older, I never carried their backpacks or school belongings to and from school. I see parents carrying everything at the start or end of a school day, but I’ve never done this.
When we go on vacations now, the boys carry backpacks full of toys, clothes, and toiletries. They are responsible for their own belongings.
Learning to help around the house
I’ve always expected the boys to pitch in and help around the house because that is simply part of living with other people. They don’t get paid for this.
They take their own dishes to the sink. They keep their rooms clean. They tidy up after playing. They might do little, quick chores around the house.
But I also have a system where they can earn a small payment — up to about $1.50 — for doing jobs such as cleaning the bathroom or taking out the trash. For these jobs, they get paid twice as much if they notice the job needs doing and do it without being asked.
It’s my way of raising boys who see a mess and then do something about it.
I’ll also offer some sort of payment if it is a job I would normally do myself, but simply don’t have time for as a working single mom.
I don’t play at parks or soft play
I have never hovered around the boys at parks or soft play centers, even when they were little. I sit on a bench or at a table and let them figure out what they are capable of.
I will help when asked, but they know not to ask me to do things for them when they are capable of doing them themselves. I will assist, support, or get ready to catch them if they need me.
I want them to learn how to play without me. My role in these contexts is to guard them — to make sure they are safe — rather than to be their playmate.
Parents have looked at me suspiciously when I stand back while the kids play, perhaps thinking I am a lazy parent.
But this isn’t me being a lazy parent. It is an intentional decision to teach them how to keep themselves safe, assess their capabilities, and play without constant adult intervention.
That isn’t to say I never play with them. We play lots — just not in these contexts.
They manage their own screen time
Both boys have set amounts of screen time, but it is up to them to manage it. After school, they have 30 minutes of screen time. On weekends, they have two 30-minute lots, plus an extra 45 minutes when they play on screens together.
Instead of me hovering over them and checking how long they have been playing, they set a timer themselves to regulate their playing time. This also minimizes arguments when screen time finishes.
They are learning to manage their own time and self-regulate their screen use, rather than relying on me to constantly monitor it for them.
Learning what they are capable of
After years of intentionally teaching independence, my children are growing in confidence. They know what they are capable of.
Although I am very present in their lives and ready to help and support them, they are also growing into their own individuals in the world.
That, to me, is the whole point.
I don’t want to raise children who need me to do everything for them. I want to raise children who know I am there when they need me, but who also know they are capable of doing so much for themselves.
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