No relationship is perfect. If you can’t voice your vulnerable thoughts, messy feelings, or opposing perspectives to your partner, you might lack safety in your relationship.
That’s why I always cringe when I hear couples say, “We never disagree or argue.” Usually—hopefully—what they mean is, “We don’t fight.” If the former were true, I’d be concerned about the health of their connection.
Relationships are made up of two individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, perspectives, and traumas. A relationship without conflict is likely a surface-level one, where one or both parties are either avoidant or afraid of opening up and getting close to the other.
Over time, even the healthiest couples will face conflicts—whether they’re internal or external. For example, one of you might become sick, lose your job, struggle with your mental health…Or perhaps you’ll have a misunderstanding, feel hurt by the other’s actions, disagree on something minor or major.
Conflict is both an inevitable and important part of a relationship. What matters is how we navigate it—and that we don’t push it away every chance we get.
Why Is Conflict a Necessary Part of Relationships?
In a relationship, conflict provides an opportunity to work with your partner to solve an issue or address a stressor.
“In the Imago theory, we see conflict in a relationship as not a bad thing, but as growth trying to happen—both individual growth and growth as a couple,” says Emily Lambert Robins, LCSW, Certified Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker with a private practice in NYC specializing in couples and sex therapy.
“Conflict often brings unresolved childhood wounds, unmet emotional needs, and unconscious relationship patterns to the surface,” she continues. “All of us have wounds that we need to heal and areas of growth, and it is in the intimate partnership that offers the best change for us to grow and heal from those hurts from childhood.”
However, if you’re afraid of “rocking the boat,” so to speak, you’ll strip yourself and your partner of the opportunity to heal and grow together. Rather than viewing conflict as a negative thing, view it as a chance to more deeply connect with each other.
Navigating Conflict vs. Fighting
There’s a major difference between navigating conflict, a healthy part of any relationship, and constantly fighting with your partner. Many assume they’re one and the same, which is likely why couples fear conflict. In healthy relationships, conflict isn’t a threat but rather an opportunity to grow together.
“The problem isn’t the conflict itself but how couples fight,” says Robins. “People often bring into conflict a lot of negative conversational habits that they learned from society, from family, etc., such as blaming, criticizing, shaming, interrupting, and more. This type of conflict leads to disconnection and misunderstanding and is not helpful to a relationship.”
When approached with empathy and curiosity, conflict can actually bring couples closer together.
“In Imago, we teach a tool called the Imago Dialogue, which is a new way of talking and listening to your partner [that] promotes connection, greater understanding, and healing,” says Robins. “Using the dialogue helps couples transform conflict into connection.”
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