At first, dating someone who’s completely obsessed with you can feel incredible. They remember everything you tell them and want to spend every free minute together. A few months later, you’re wondering when they last saw their friends or did anything that didn’t involve you.
Psychologist Robert Vallerand has spent years studying this sort of thing. His Dualistic Model of Passion describes two types of passion: harmonious, where someone can be crazy about you and still have their own life, and obsessive, where the relationship starts consuming their time and attention. In one study, couples were more likely to stay together three months later when harmonious passion was high and obsessive passion was low.
So how can you tell when someone’s enthusiasm is getting a little out of hand?
1. Their Whole World Shrinks Down to You
Remember when they played softball every Thursday and had friends they saw regularly? Now they’re canceling plans to spend another night with you, and you can’t remember the last time they mentioned doing something on their own. Research has linked obsessive romantic passion to neglecting other relationships and activities. It’s nice to feel wanted, but being responsible for someone’s entire social life is exhausting.
2. They Can’t Let Something Go
A harmless comment you made over dinner has turned into three days of questions about what you meant. You’ve explained yourself several times, but they’re still bringing it up and asking if everything’s okay between you. In more severe cases, persistent relationship doubts and reassurance-seeking can be symptoms of relationship OCD, although overthinking an argument doesn’t mean someone has the condition. Psychologist Guy Doron’s research suggests these symptoms can also affect the other partner over time.
3. Their Basic Upkeep Goes Out the Window
When someone’s spending most of their time thinking about a relationship, other things can start getting neglected. They’re missing workouts they used to enjoy, staying up later than usual, and forgetting to take care of themselves. Research from Vallerand’s lab has connected obsessive passion with rumination, where the same worries keep coming back no matter how much time someone spends thinking about them.
Someone who’s this consumed by a relationship could be dealing with anxiety or struggling to maintain their own life. Psychology Today recommends reconnecting with friends and old hobbies. If the constant worrying and need for reassurance continue, therapy could help, too.
It’s nice when someone wants to spend time with you. After a while, though, you start wishing they’d make plans with literally anyone else.
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