Kathy Vines, a certified professional organizer, author and coach, has helped countless clients part with gifts they were holding on to out of obligation, even though those gifts amounted to a whole lot of clutter. She knows the feeling.
“I’ve still got that ‘Italian Cooking for Dummies’ cookbook,” she says of a particularly unwelcome gift that came with a heaping side of judgment. “Sometimes a cookbook’s just a cookbook, but when you’re doubling down on opinions you’ve already expressed to me about how I disappointed you, it leads to resentment.”
Olivia Pollock, an etiquette and hosting expert at Evite, says that feelings of anxiety about gifts are incredibly common. “While it may seem more obvious that gifting is stressful, receiving a gift can actually be a challenge for some as well,” she says. “You always want someone to feel appreciated for going out of their way to gift you something, but in the heat of the moment, it can be overwhelming.”
Bad gifts can challenge our relationships with others and with ourselves, but there are ways to manage the complicated feelings they stir up.
Not all bad gifts are created equally
There are different kinds of bad gifts, and they elicit different stress responses — some are merely annoying whereas others are downright insulting. “It can depend on the receiver and how they view the gift, and/or the context that surrounds the gift as well,” says Matthew Leahy, a licensed clinical psychologist. Some bad gifts are ones that are noticeably unequal to what others receive; others are simply unwanted, impractical or create a burden.
There are also gifts that are genuinely hurtful or loaded, such as clothing in a dramatically wrong size or teeth whitening strips, and designed to criticize a person’s appearance, lifestyle or choices. “I had a patient tell me he felt his family was making fun of his hobbies by giving him a T-shirt making fun of the hobby as a gag gift,” Leahy says.
Examples of what Pollock calls “stressful gifts” include a piece of art that doesn’t fit in your home or match your aesthetic, a workout class you have no interest in or a beautiful outfit you wouldn’t have an occasion to wear. “When opening a gift like this, feelings of disappointment, guilt or anxiety may wash over you,” she says.
What happens when we’re on the receiving end of a bad gift?
When you receive a gift, you are often at the center of attention. “It can trigger a sense of performance anxiety,” Pollock says. “You always want whoever is giving you the gift to feel appreciated and validated, and that feeling can evoke a lot of stress for people,” Pollock says.
Leahy says the simple act of receiving a gift is actually a complex emotional process. “In a matter of seconds, we may be evaluating the gift, the giver’s intentions, our own reaction in the moment and what reaction we are supposed to show — that’s a lot to manage in a short time. There can be pressure to appear grateful even when we are disappointed, confused or any other emotion.”
Riana Elyse Anderson, a clinical psychologist and associate professor at Columbia University, cites the sociologist Marcel Mauss’s theory of gift exchange to explain the forces at play when receiving a gift. Mauss posits that there are three obligations that come with gift giving: giving, receiving and reciprocating.
“Each element brings into question the connections we have with others,” Anderson says. “Do we know them well enough to give them something they want, need or like? If they gifted us something, is it similar in price, meaning or size? Are you seeing them put your gift to use or did they emote in a way consistent with what you’d hoped?” The answers determine whether the relationship is strengthened or damaged by the exchange of gifts.
You can’t anticipate a bad gift, but you can have a plan for how you’ll react
One of the main stressors of receiving a bad gift is the element of surprise. Although you can’t know that a bad gift is on its way, you can plan how you’ll respond. “During the moment, pivot the focus onto something particular about the gift, like a specific color or theme or even the wrapping,” Pollock says. “Or if there’s a card, focus on the sweet message.” If all else fails, she says, emphasize the giving, instead of the gift. “A ‘You are always so thoughtful to bring a gift’ is a classic for a reason.”
Leahy cautions against overinterpreting the gift in real time. “Our minds are very quick to create a narrative. Are they making fun of me? Are they saying I need to lose weight? Sometimes the thoughts are accurate, but sometimes not.” His advice is to notice the reaction in the moment “but decide what the gift means later, when you have more information and less emotion.”
Instead, focus on the fact that you’re receiving something, he adds, rather than on the gift itself, and bear in mind that, for the most part, the gift-giver is probably not trying to harm you or be cruel. “Remember that and act accordingly. Something simple, like ‘Thank you for thinking of me,’ is both gracious and honest. You are acknowledging the giver without pretending that the gift itself is your new prize possession.”
Find healthy ways to process difficult emotions later
Receiving a disappointing or hurtful gift calls for emotional processing — and honesty with yourself. “Give yourself permission to separate gratitude for the person or gesture from enthusiasm about the actual gift,” Leahy says. “Feelings are meant to be felt, not suppressed or even changed. What you do with the feelings is what matters.”
If you’re unable to resolve your negative feelings about the gift, consider seeking professional support. “If your mother gave you clothes that clearly are a ‘Hey, hon, you need to lose weight’ gesture, that moment sucks,” Vines says. “If you keep reliving it and retelling it and rehashing up your own emotions around it, she gave you the gift once, you gave yourself the pain 20 times. When it becomes something that takes up space in your head and your heart, that’s a cry for therapy — you need to go work with somebody, to talk about this.”
Get clear on your obligations to the gift, and to the gift-giver
When a gift is merely a dud, Leahy says, appreciate the intention but do away with feeling obligated to keep it. “However, when a gift touches a sensitive area or feels insulting, the recipient may need to acknowledge that emotional reaction rather than just moving on,” he adds. “Gratitude should not require someone to continually override their own feelings.”
How you approach the gift-giver matters. “Our relationships can handle correction, but psychological principles can also help,” Anderson says. “Give it some time, be gentle in your response and provide guidance in an intimate setting — not blasted on the internet or at the next family meal.”
To manage the feelings of guilt and obligation that can come with a gift, Pollock says, remind yourself that “a gift is not an eternal matter in your life.” It’s also helpful to remember that you have agency. “Once the gift is given to you, the gift is fully yours, and you can do whatever you want with it,” she adds.
Leahy cautions against demonstrating false gratitude by turning the gift into a performance. “Keeping a large unwanted bowl in a closet and remembering to display it every time someone visits or every holiday season may protect the giver from discomfort, but it does so by transferring that discomfort to the recipient over and over again,” he says. “Don’t do that to yourself.”
Pollock also urges people to steer clear of the performance trap: “Scrambling to display every gift a guest has ever given you before they ring the doorbell is definitely not necessary, or even a polite act of hosting. It’s really just misguided guilt.”
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