Two decades ago, when my husband and I were newlyweds, I got so angry I threw a bag of groceries at him. Neither of us has a clue what that fight was about. We forgot about it almost immediately. But we both remember my yelling and aiming a brown paper sack at his midsection. (I missed.)
That’s the thing about losing your temper. Whatever you are mad about, valid or not, often gets lost in the chaos of raised voices and name-calling. “Yelling doesn’t work, even if you are justified,” said Raymond DiGiuseppe, a professor of psychology at St. John’s University who studies anger. “You may get what you want, but the cost is that you alienate the people in your life.”
Stopping yourself before you erupt takes practice, and it starts with recognizing patterns. The most obvious is that we are more likely to lose control when we are tired or stressed. “We all have less bandwidth when we are overwhelmed,” said Chris Huffine, a psychologist in Portland, Ore., and the executive director of Allies in Change, a counseling nonprofit that promotes healthy relationships.
Fortunately, there are things you can do — preventively and in the moment — to release some pressure. Here’s what experts have to say.
Don’t expect people to change.
Anger often bubbles up from wanting someone to simply be different. Or, let’s face it, more like you. “Expect people to be who they are, not who you want them to be,” Dr. Huffine said.
This does not mean you let a loved one off the hook. Accepting that you have different standards — whether about how to do the laundry or how often you see your in-laws — can help keep you from becoming exasperated. “Then you have a communal problem instead of an oppositional one,” and you can more calmly talk about a solution, said Denise Solomon, a professor of communication at Pennsylvania State University who focuses on interpersonal communication and conflict.
Anticipate the same arguments.
Because people are who they are, you will probably fight about the same things repeatedly.
“The people in your life who trigger your anger are pretty reliable,” Dr. DiGiuseppe said. You’ve reacted the same way a thousand times. If you want to respond differently, you have to practice.
“Imagine them doing whatever it is that makes you mad, and imagine yourself having a new response,” he said. That might mean leaving the room for five minutes or asking yourself what’s actually going on. “But if you don’t practice, you won’t do it in the moment,” Dr. DiGiuseppe said.
Have a catchphrase.
The easiest thing to practice? Repeating a single phrase that can stem your rising anger. It can be absurd, like saying, “I will not strangle this person,” Dr. Huffine joked. “Humor helps.”
With teenagers, Dr. Solomon recommended saying, “The cat is in a bad mood,” a riff on the idea that teenagers are aloof cats. “When the cat hisses at you, you don’t order it to sit or stay,” she said. “You don’t engage. You just accept that the cat’s in a bad mood.”
Your mantra could simply be “I will not yell.” Or maybe “I shall not yelleth” in a funny accent. Dr. Solomon said that when her children were teenagers and lobbed mean insults her way, she would respond, “I’m sorry, I’ll try to do better tomorrow,” which took the wind out of their sails and avoided a fight.
I will try to remember that tonight when my teenagers use a tone of voice that typically sends me into orbit. “I shall not yelleth,” I will repeat. “The cat’s in a bad mood.”
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