It happens to all of us in relationships eventually. One person is super horny and making it very clear that they want to have sex…like now. But the other person can’t stop thinking about that work presentation tomorrow or that they haven’t had a chance to shower in two days.
Saying no is completely normal. The awkward part is what happens after, especially if the person who initiated sex takes it as a sign that you’re no longer attracted to them.
Canadian relationship researchers followed couples for four weeks and looked at four different ways people turned down sex, as Big Think reported. Some people reassured their partner while saying no, while others got irritated or criticized them. Some people gave a direct refusal, while others basically pretended they hadn’t noticed what was happening.
The Best Way to Say No to Sex Without Hurting Your Relationship
The reassuring approach worked best. If the person turning down sex was reassuring and warm, their partner reported feeling better about the relationship afterward. Hostile rejection went the other direction, obviously. The more neutral approaches, like a blunt no or pretending not to notice what was happening, didn’t seem to move things much in either direction.
The same researchers also asked whether having sex anyway might spare everyone the awkwardness. In two surveys involving 642 adults, people said they would rather hear a loving no than have a partner go along with sex because they felt obligated, according to PsyPost.
Researchers described reassuring rejection as “a viable alternative behavior to having sex for avoidance goals.” In normal-person terms, most people would rather hear “I’m exhausted, can we do this tomorrow?” than find out their partner said yes because turning them down felt worse.
And the actual conversation doesn’t need to sound clinical. If you’re tired, say you’re tired. If you feel gross because you haven’t showered since yesterday morning, that’s fine too. Giving them a reason can keep them from filling in the blank with something worse, like it loves to do.
A little affection also helps. You can still kiss them, cuddle, make out for a while, or tell them you’re into them without turning that into sex. Researchers who study couples’ sex lives have also found that affectionate physical contact can make a rejection easier to take. If tomorrow morning sounds better, say that too. It lets them know you’re not saying no to them.
Sometimes “not tonight” really does just mean not tonight.
The post How to Turn Down Sex Without Making Your Partner Feel Rejected appeared first on VICE.
