After a breakup, oftentimes the last thing you can bring yourself to do is consider the possibility of never seeing, speaking to, or being with your ex again. (Unless, of course, they’ve wronged you so badly that you can barely look them in the eyes.) When relationships end, it’s natural to hold out hope for reconciliation, even though you might know deep down that it isn’t what’s best for either of you.
In fact, this is such a common tendency that TikTok has created the “you meet them twice” theory, and it has people pining over their exes for far longer than necessary.
What Is the ‘You Meet Them Twice’ Theory?
According to Alyssa Digges, MHC-LP, mental health counselor at Insight Therapy NYC, “The ‘you meet them twice’ theory is … the theory that if someone is meant for you but it doesn’t work out, you’ll get the opportunity to meet them again in the future.”
“Essentially, if it’s ‘right person, wrong time,’ the universe will see to it that you get to meet them again at the right time, once you’ve both grown and changed into the people you’re meant to be,” she adds.
After a difficult breakup, it’s common to hold out hope you’ll one day reconnect with your ex. There’s a reason that denial is the first stage of grief: it’s difficult to immediately accept that you’ll never be with the person you loved so deeply again. So instead of accepting it, we create a more digestible version of our reality. Hence, the “you meet them twice theory.”
“I don’t think this theory is inherently bad. Dating can be extremely dismal, and anything that allows you to hold onto a shred of hope that things will work out can be important,” Digges says. “That said, if holding onto that hope stops you from living your life or pursuing other options, it can start to become a problem.”
The Downsides of the ‘You Meet Them Twice’ Theory
Unfortunately, when vulnerable post-breakup, many people might cling to the “you meet them twice theory” as a lifeline to their ex. This could delay healing and prevent the person from moving on from a potentially harmful or toxic relationship.
“The risks of believing in this theory come when you are holding out so much hope that you’ll meet this person again that you aren’t focusing on your own growth, engaging with the people around you, or exploring other options,” says Digges. “If you become obsessed with the person, stalking their social media or trying to arrange meetings, while ignoring the real opportunities for connection that surround you, it can be a real hindrance.”
Even if you are meant to meet your ex again someday, this doesn’t mean you should waste time waiting around. Rather, let this theory reassure you that—no matter what you do—you will not miss out on the person who’s meant for you. So focus on yourself, meet new people, live your life, and trust that—if it’s meant to be—you’ll find your way back to that person someday. And if it’s not them, it’ll be someone even better-suited for you.
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