This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Brigitte Weil. It has been edited for length and clarity.
My parents have been married for 62 years, and my grandparents were married for 76. I’ve always been surrounded by longevity in relationships, and it’s something that captivates me. Becoming a matchmaker who works with older adults was a natural fit.
Dating in your 70s or older is radically different from dating in your 30s or even 50s. Younger people are looking for someone to build a life with, but older people are seeking someone who can share a life that’s already been created.
Lifestyle compatibility becomes critical with age
When I match older clients, I need to know that their lifestyles will mesh well. We’re talking less about chemistry, or someone who checks all the boxes, and more about how their lifestyles can be shared.
Older clients care less about a man’s height or a woman’s appearance in a bikini. Even finances play a smaller role.
Instead, geography becomes a big issue: many people don’t want to move and give up their community and family connections. To find long-term love, clients must share values on topics such as grandchildren and travel.
People know their nonnegotiables
Finding lifestyle compatibility can be a challenge. People become wiser with age, and they know themselves. They know what they’re willing to compromise on, and what they’re not.
Take my client Sol, who at 96 is by far the oldest person I’ve worked with. Sol wants a woman to wake up next to every morning. He’s not alone — most of my clients want cohabitation, even as marriage becomes less important to many of them.
Sol’s been on some great dates, but many of the women his age aren’t interested in moving house. They already have their routines.
My clients are building on their experience with love
Rarely do I work with someone who’s never been married before; Most of my clients are divorced or widowed. Widowed clients usually start by telling me exactly what they want in a relationship. They’ve experienced a loving partner, and know what qualities and traits matter most to them.
Divorced people, on the other hand, tend to tell me what they don’t want. They’re looking to make different choices this time around and create a healthier, happier relationship than the one they left behind.
Both types of clients often need a little encouragement. They need to know it’s possible for them to fall in love again. I teach them they’re not starting over; they’re building on all the experiences they’ve had.
A date gone wrong led to love
One of my favorite success stories is of a couple who were both right around 70 when they met. For both of them, going on this date was a big deal. I was excited for them, but the day of the date, the man called to say the lady didn’t show. That was unlike her.
A moment later, my phone rang. My client was frantic — she’d gotten a flat tire on the New Jersey Turnpike, and was waiting for AAA to come replace it. When I told her date, he insisted on going to wait with her. She was frazzled, her hairstyle and makeup drooping, but she appreciated the gesture.
He waited with her until the fire was fixed, then they headed home. A week or so later, he asked her out on a proper date. Now, they travel the world together, sending me pictures from all these beautiful locations.
I’m getting married this fall
Lots of people want to know about the matchmaker’s love life. I’m divorced, and was single for about 10 years. I did a fair amount of dating, but dating as a matchmaker was hard. I was constantly exposed to so many wonderful single people. Yet, that reminded me that there’s not just one great person out there.
I met my now-fiancé, Michael, through my matchmaking network about five years ago. We were absolutely meant to meet when we did. I really admire Michael for the choices he’s made in raising his own family. That admiration just melted me. We’re getting married in November.
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