Like so many others, attachment theory is yet another psychology term that has become standard dating vocabulary. If someone takes six hours to text back, they’re “avoidant.” If they need reassurance, they’re “anxious.” Dating culture has turned these labels into quick, blanket-statement diagnoses, which really isn’t how the research works.
The idea of attachment theory started with psychiatrist John Bowlby and psychologist Mary Ainsworth, who were studying how babies bond with their caregivers. Ainsworth famously watched what happened when mothers left the room and returned. Years later, researchers started asking if some of those same attachment patterns show up in adult relationships too.
Attachment Isn’t Really Four Neat Boxes
Researchers don’t really sort everyone into four perfect boxes. They look at two things instead: how worried you are about being abandoned and how uncomfortable you are with getting too close. Psychologists Chris Fraley and Niels Waller found no evidence that people fall into four true types. The familiar styles are basically names for where you land on those two scales.
1. Secure
Low anxiety and low avoidance. Secure people are able to get close to people without assuming a delayed text means there’s something wrong. They can also spend time apart without spiraling about what it means. Amir Levine, psychiatrist and co-author of Attached, has estimated that just over half the population falls here.
2. Anxious
High anxiety and low avoidance. Anxious people usually want closeness but spend a lot of time worrying that it’s about to disappear. In these cases, if you don’t get a text back, it can consume all your thoughts until they reply. “Unconsciously, the anxiously attached person is thinking, I will do anything not to be abandoned,” attachment expert Morgan Anderson told Cosmopolitan. Levine puts this group at about 21% of people.
3. Avoidant
Low anxiety and high avoidance. Avoidant people usually put a ton of value on independence and can become uncomfortable when someone wants a lot of closeness early on. They make up about a quarter of the population, although dating apps can make that number feel much higher. Levine and co-author Rachel Heller even say that avoidant people will cycle back into the dating pool more often. That’s why you might keep seeing Jared “just seeing what’s out there” pop up as a new match every month.
4. Fearful-Avoidant
High anxiety and high avoidance. People with this style can want closeness and then get scared once they have it, creating a lot of push-pull behavior. It’s the least common style, at around 3 to 5% of people, and it’s commonly associated with unpredictable or frightening early relationships.
Can You Change Yours?
Yes, but it usually takes time. Attachment can change across relationships, especially with a partner who is steady and responsive. “You can become more secure if you’re with someone who is secure,” Levine said in an interview with Intersections Match. Therapy can also help people notice the reactions they keep repeating and where they came from.
Levine and Heller warn against dismissing secure people as boring. “When you find someone secure, don’t dismiss them as boring,” they write on the book’s website. If you’re used to people who keep you guessing, consistency can take a minute to get used to.
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