When my kids were little, I knew so many parents who used babysitters or went away for a few nights without their kids. I understood — many parents have to work and need time away from their kids for their own well-being. But that just never was me.
In my kids’ first few years of life, I never hired a babysitter, and I never spent a night away from them. In fact, it wasn’t till my kids were in Kindergarten that they ever spent a night away from me.
At the time, I definitely judged myself for these choices, simply because I didn’t know many other families like mine. I thought maybe I was being too overbearing or clingy, or that I was messing my kids up in some way.
Now I accept that this was just the right choice for me at the time, and now that my kids are older, thriving, and independent, I have no regrets about my choices when they were small.
I was a SAHM mom who breastfed and co-slept
When my first child was born, I realized that going back to the adjunct teaching job I’d had before she was born didn’t make sense financially. Paying for transportation into the city and childcare while I was gone would mean barely breaking even. So, even though money was tight on one salary, my husband and I agreed that staying home with the kids when they were young was the best choice.
I was accustomed to being my kids’ primary caregiver, and the idea of teaching someone else how to put them down for a nap or prepare the foods they liked sounded overwhelming. Plus, we were on a strict budget, so the idea of hiring someone to care for them so that I could spend time alone, with friends, or with my husband, just didn’t seem like a good idea.
But it was more than that, too. I breastfed my babies for several years, into toddlerhood. They also bedshared or co-slept with me for years, even after they stopped nursing. This made separation difficult, especially at night. They relied on me to fall asleep and stay asleep. These attachment-style parenting choices aren’t for everyone, but I loved parenting my kids this way. I enjoyed the closeness, and it just felt right, instinctually.
Not everyone understood my choices
The thing was, I was really comfortable with my choices not to spend time away from my kids. I didn’t crave the separation, and I didn’t need childcare for practical reasons.
But I definitely still experienced some judgment from others. Extended family members told me my kids needed to get used to other caregivers, and they implied that my choices might stunt their development. Close friends hinted that I might ruin my marriage if I didn’t have date nights with my husband.
But the harshest critic was probably myself. Despite my kids being well-adjusted toddlers and preschoolers, a voice still questioned whether I was doing the right thing for them. Were they never going to be able to separate from me? Would they be sleeping in my bed forever? Was I sabotaging my mental health without knowing it?
My kids are grown and extremely independent
My kids are big now. My oldest is in her sophomore year of college, and my youngest just started high school. Those years of breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and no babysitters or nights away are long gone.
My kids have had normal lives and have developed into independent, creative, free spirits. My college kid had no problem adjusting to life away from home. My high schooler just spent a week away with extended family this past summer and barely answered my texts.
Obviously, other parents of young kids don’t have to be as extreme as I was. But if you are a parent who’s waiting till your kids are older to leave them with a sitter or spend a night away, I want to assure you that this can be a perfectly reasonable choice. There’s nothing wrong with you, and your kids are going to be alright.
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