Unfortunately, it’s common to confuse loving someone and being in love with someone. Both involve strong feelings of care and fondness, but the distinction is crucial. You can love many people: your family members, friends, etc. However, being in love with a person changes the type of love you feel toward them, often making it more romantic and intimate.
That’s why a common (yet heartbreaking) breakup phrase is, “I love you, but I’m just not in love with you anymore…”
Conflicted about your feelings for/toward your partner? Here are four signs you love them, but are simply not in love with them, according to Steven Buchwald, MD, of Manhattan Mental Health Counseling.
1. Affection Feels Familial or Platonic, Not Romantic
No matter what Disney tries to sell you, no relationship is all romance all the time. However, you should feel a base level of romantic affection toward your partner.
“It’s important to recognise that no relationship reflects the consistent ‘high’ of the honeymoon period,” says Buchwald. “The absence of butterflies is not a warning sign by itself, and early infatuation is not designed to remain at maximum intensity forever. What matters is whether it has developed into a quieter romantic bond or whether your partner has stopped feeling like a romantic partner altogether.”
“Equally significant is that physical intimacy is not the only measure of love, and healthy relationships don’t have to center around sex,” he adds. “It’s worth looking at broader patterns in the relationship: Whether you no longer wish to engage in any physical relationship or closeness, do not miss it, or feel relief when romantic opportunities pass.”
2. Connection Feels Like a Chore
When you’re in love with someone, you’re often curious about their inner world, including their thoughts, feelings, and current state of mind. But when you fall out of love with that person, digging intellectually or emotionally deeper with them might feel like a chore. As a result, we might stop putting effort into the relationship or connection.
“Romantic intimacy is fuelled by continuing to encounter your partner as a person, not an everyday fixture,” says Buchwald.
3. A Future Without Them Sparks Relief, Not Just Sadness
Even when you’re no longer in love with your partner, the thought of walking away from your relationship can still trigger grief. But if that grief accompanies relief, you’re likely making the right choice.
“Relief serves as useful information, but it needs to be interpreted carefully,” says Buchwald. “It can be easily read as the relationship feeling like an obligation, but this may not be the case. You must identify what you want relief from: ‘Is it your partner? Or is it an uneven division of labour, unresolved conflict, financial pressure, or no time to yourself?
4. You Feel Obligated to Stay
If your main reason for staying with your partner is guilt or obligation, then you might no longer be in love with them. Sure, you might love them and not want to hurt them, but that isn’t a reason to stay in something that isn’t right for both of you. Often, the most loving choice is to let them go so they can find someone else who is in love with them.
“Concern for your partner is evidence of empathy, but guilt cannot manufacture romantic love,” says Buchwald. “Staying indefinitely out of pity may feel selfless, but it can become its own form of dishonesty.”
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