My husband’s parents have a farm a couple of hours from where we live. We spend summers there helping them during the growing season. We enjoy being there and spending time with them. Recently, though, the house has become very dirty: It smells like their dog, and there is animal vomit on the floor, which remains uncleaned, and rotten food in the kitchen. We learned recently that we are having a baby, and we are not thrilled about the idea of bringing a child into their dirty home. We understand that they’re busy working on the farm during the growing season, but we’d like to be there without worrying about the state of their house. I don’t think raising this issue with them will go well. Any advice?
MOM-TO-BE
People who normally keep their homes reasonably clean do not stop for no reason, in my experience. There is often a physical or cognitive issue that prevents them from tending to their homes as they used to: They become physically unable to clean, or they stop noticing that their homes are dirty. Your letter suggests that this is a recent development and that your in-laws previously kept their home clean even during the busy growing season.
I understand your worry for the coming baby, but right now, I am more concerned about your in-laws’ health and safety. Together with your husband, you should speak to them gently. Try to avoid judging or shaming them. Say: “We understand how busy you are with the farm, but we are worried about you. Eating spoiled food or slipping on the dog’s mess could be dangerous.”
Talk to them about hiring a cleaner or consider pitching in yourselves, as well as scheduling checkups with their doctor (or a gerontologist, if that’s appropriate). Many people who have been in your position can tell you that a single conversation is unlikely to resolve this problem. Think of it as the beginning of a process. If your in-laws become upset with you, drop the subject and try again another day. But keep at it! Helping loved ones in need is serious business.
Her Laundry’s a Real Headache
My brother and his partner wear a cologne that is so strong that we have to wash the bedding and towels they use several times to eliminate the smell. Years ago, I suggested there may be oil in the cologne that makes it so stubborn, but my brother told me there isn’t, stymying my effort to address the problem. He would be devastated by a firmer approach. But I’ve had it with the smell and the headaches. Any solution?
SISTER
There are costs and benefits to virtually any request. I find it hard to believe that your brother would be devastated by a simple statement that you are sensitive to scents and request that he and his partner not wear cologne when they visit you. But you know them better than I do. So it’s your call: headaches and heavy laundering, or a gentle ask. This doesn’t seem that difficult to me.
You’re Listening to WHYY-ME
I work from home, and I am also trying to write a book. We live in a dense urban neighborhood, and our retired neighbor’s house is extremely close to ours. My home office is less than six feet from his screened porch, where he listens to talk radio for most of the day at a relatively low volume (that is still audible to me). I keep the windows in my office closed, and I can’t easily work elsewhere in the house: I need a multi-monitor setup. I have tried using noise-canceling headphones and listening to music, but I’m easily distracted, and I want to work in peace! Can I ask my neighbor to use headphones?
NEIGHBOR
Living in society means learning to coexist with others. I understand your preference not to have a neighbor who listens to the radio, but in the lottery of life, he is the neighbor you have drawn. He is within his rights to sit on his porch and listen to the radio quietly. Explore better noise-canceling headphones — perhaps ones with speakers that play ambient sounds — or consider moving your office elsewhere in your home. Your desire for absolute quiet does not trump the right of others to live their lives in reasonable ways.
Foul Tip? No, It’s a Tip Foul.
I am a big baseball fan and attend 30 games a season at the local baseball stadium. There is a man there who plays a melodica, a sort of hand-held keyboard. I appreciate his talent and enjoy speaking with him, so each time I give him a $5 tip. He seems genuinely happy to see me, too. But I have noticed lately that he doesn’t thank me for my donations. Am I being petty?
GRATITUDE FAN
Who am I to say? It’s not unreasonable to want to be thanked, nor to notice the absence of thanks. Small acts of generosity and chatting with regulars at local haunts usually make me feel good. But if that’s no longer the case for you, stop tipping the man. There’s no requirement that you do.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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