DEAR ABBY: I’m a single mother of an 18-year-old son with autism. I have known “Cliff” for more than 20 years. We live on opposite coasts. I want to be with him and he with me, though he doesn’t want my son to live with us at this time. He wants it to be just the two of us for a while. Abby, my son is not able to live on his own. Do you have any advice as to what to do? — CLUELESS IN THE WEST
DEAR CLUELESS: It troubles me that Cliff is already trying to exclude your son from the equation. What exactly does he expect you to do with your son during this “honeymoon” period, and how long does he think it should last? It is important that you find out before this romance goes any further. What alternative living arrangements does Cliff have in mind for your son, what will they cost and who will be expected to pay for them?
You didn’t mention how functional your son is, or how he interacts with others. Because he is 18, it’s time to start thinking ahead regardless of Cliff. What will become of your son if something should happen to you? Would he be cared for by other relatives? Would a group living arrangement work for him?
Some developmentally disabled individuals thrive when they have social interaction and some kind of work to do. Before you start planning your love life, you need to address these issues. The Autism Society of America (autismsociety.org) may be able to help you navigate them.
DEAR ABBY: My wife passed away unexpectedly while we were in Europe. I phoned several people in the U.S. to let them know and asked that they let others know. Someone in my wife’s hometown posted the news to Facebook barely six hours after I had found her. My grief at the time was so great that I could not respond, as I was dealing with getting her remains back home. This has bothered me ever since that horrible day.
I sent the person a message, telling him I felt he had been disrespectful to me and my children. He replied that he had been so sad to learn that my wife had died that he felt compelled to post it to Facebook. (He did admit that his timing was bad.) I know I need to move on, and this person will definitely be left behind.
Is posting to social media acceptable before the family has had a chance to write an obituary and publish it? These platforms are public forums and should follow the normal rules of etiquette regarding respecting the family’s privacy. — MOURNING WIDOWER
DEAR MOURNING WIDOWER: Please accept my sincere condolences on your wife’s passing. The acquaintance who posted to Facebook committed a serious social media faux pas. It is never acceptable to make any public announcement of a person’s death before the immediate family has done so. Still worse is the fact that he didn’t wait for 24 hours before rushing to his keyboard. It appears you were never close with this self-appointed town crier, and I don’t blame you for deciding you never will be.
DEAR READERS: Have a safe and happy Labor Day! — LOVE, ABBY
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. For nearly four decades, Jeanne Phillips penned this column, which was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.
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