We’ll start this conference looking back on 2026 Washington Architecture by being honest: We have no idea what happened here. The snapshot of this planet that my comrades and I managed to obtain on our brief visit left us, if anything, more confused about Earth than we had been before. What follows are theories only.
All we know of 21st-century human political figure Donald J. Trump is what we can guess from the architectural record and a few bits of digital evidence. (Due to a misunderstanding, we ate most of the written records of this planet before figuring out that they contained information.) Was he a builder or a destroyer? There are also ruins of an arch—commemorating a triumph, but over what? Perhaps the successful defeat of 250 years of democracy, a system of rule that he despised?
Did he have access to the internet (a human technology that seems to have been primarily used for the sharing of pornography and misinformation)? Impossible to say. Some records suggest that a female of his species accessed the internet on his behalf. We don’t know his exact relation to this female, but we can observe that she was swift of foot and skilled at concealment in small enclosures, probably a trait admired by others. Were such relationships common? Did many human leaders consider it an honor to be chased by another human carrying a printer? (Did George Washington have a “Human Printer” of his own? Perhaps Benjamin Franklin fulfilled this role?)
Although other human figures enjoyed construction, Trump seemed to prefer the wrecking ball (what we would refer to as Grogon’s Tail) as a mode of expression. From a forensic analysis of these structures, we know that the Smashing of the Residence was first to take place, followed by the Desecration of the Pool.
Donald Trump seems to have smashed the Residence deliberately, as a warning to rivals. As his nestlings were at that time all mature and dwelling independently, such a gesture posed no danger to his young. Some papers we found suggested that there were plans to put something in the enormous hole, but these drawings are on an unlikely scale, and their suggested purpose is inconsistent. Ballroom? Bunker? No one can seem to agree, not even the plans themselves.
The situation of the pool is puzzling. We may never know why Donald Trump hated the pool (pond?) so much, but his action to strip it of its water, paint over its interior with a humiliating sealant, and fill it with a thick green algae speaks of immense disrespect. Had the pool or pond offended him? We know from the many banners he left bearing his visage around the city that he seems to have been incapable of smiling; a golden idol located in Florida represents him as having a slightly melted appearance. Perhaps glimpsing his reflection in the pond reminded him unpleasantly of these facts? Or were its ducks hostile to him? Some records show that even when the pool was drained of water, it was patrolled by an armed guard; what danger lurked in its shallows?
The structure with the giant head in it puzzles us most. We think this site on the Potomac may once have been used for entertainment and functioned as a kind of temple to the performing arts. Others suggest that it was an oversize dwelling place for mice. Some scholars believe that people really went inside the building and sat in red chairs while someone stood and bellowed in Italian. Perhaps this hall was used for punishment? Were wrongdoers subjected to the “tuba”?
Letters found near the site marking it “The Donald J. Trump and the John F. Kennedy Memorial Center for the Performing Arts” suggest that the enormous bronze head may represent either Donald J. Trump or John F. Kennedy, in whose joint memory the center seems to have been erected. Who were these men? They must have loved the arts. Perhaps an American Harmodius and Aristogeiton? Curiously, we do not see them commemorated jointly in other locations.
Some scholars argue that Donald J. Trump was in fact alive at the time of the center’s commemoration, but other scholars reply that this claim is ludicrous—where else is there evidence of a Memorial Center constructed while its subject was still living? The same theory suggests that he added his name to the center decades after its construction, halted all the shows, removed the public artworks, and threatened to demolish it if his name was not kept on, but other scholars reply that smashing things unless you can write your name on them is hardly the behavior of a full-fledged adult. We truly don’t know what to make of this place. (Just for the record, though, we didn’t do the pyramids.)
The post An Alien Scholar’s Notes on Trump’s Washington appeared first on The Atlantic.
