You’ve heard of the fight-or-flight response; what about the tend-and-befriend? Coined by social psychologist Dr. Shelley E. Taylor and her research team at the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA), the tend-and-befriend theory provides an alternate description of our reaction to stress.
“The Tend and Befriend theory builds on the observation that human beings affiliate in response to stress,” Dr. Taylor wrote in her research. “Under conditions of threat, they tend to offspring to ensure their survival and affiliate with others for joint protection and comfort.”
I’ll be honest: When I first learned of this theory, I assumed it was another self-love trend that involves befriending yourself and tending to your own needs. However, it’s actually a complex and intuitive stress response.
What Is the Tend-and-Befriend Theory?
According to Dr. Eli Kraiem, clinical psychologist and Professor at Ferkauf Graduate School of Psychology, “The theory suggests that people don’t always have a ‘fight or flight’ response to stress. Instead, we may cope with stress by caring for others and seeking social support.”
The idea that we either fight back or flee the scene (or freeze, which is often referenced as well) is an oversimplification of our stress response. Many people, especially women, actually “tend and befriend” others as a form of coping.
“These behaviors can be anxiety-reducing while they also strengthen our relationships,” says Kraiem. “When we are stressed, our instinct isn’t always to run, to freeze, or to fight. On the contrary, sometimes it’s healthiest to reach out toward others for support and connection rather than resorting to isolation.”
According to Kraiem, this theory “broadens our understanding and potential responses to stressful situations.” In other words, it can be just as valuable to seek and offer support in the face of trauma.
“We often think of resilience as being able to navigate challenges on our own. However, contemporary research demonstrates that social connections are one of the strongest protective factors against mental health [issues ](i.e., anxiety, depression, and chronic stress),” he explains. “This theory encourages us to perceive asking for support and help from others as a strength and adaptive coping strategy rather than a weakness.”
The Tend-and-Befriend Theory In Action
In action, the tend-and-befriend theory looks like providing and accepting support from loved ones/your community when under stress. This isn’t something to be ashamed of but rather embraced.
“I recommend reaching out to others before you are overwhelmed,” Kraiem says. “This can include texting a family member, calling a friend, or scheduling a time with someone you trust rather than accommodating your tendency to isolate.”
Additionally, on the other hand, it helps to offer support to others in return.
“Assisting a friend, a family member, or a colleague during moments of stress often increases our own sense of connection and purpose,” Kraiem continues. “Building small moments of connection is critical. This can occur through small interactions such as speaking with a co-worker, eating a meal with a family, or joining a group activity.”
Community has always been an important aspect of mental health, yet it’s something many of us lack today. Even just having a few close friends or family members in your corner can make all the difference.
“Ultimately, the goal is not to have hundreds of friends but to have several people who you can turn towards when life gets challenging,” Kraiem concludes.
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