Few words are so simple — or as deceptively loaded with tension — as a post-fight “it’s fine.” If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of this false pleasantry, or any other passive-aggressive phrase, you know how frustrating it gets.
Even more annoying, as you likely know from experience, being passive aggressive in a relationship does work. At least, temporarily.
“Passive aggression can be effective in the way a fire alarm is effective,” said Bay Area-area based licensed psychotherapist Annie Wright. “It gets attention.” The silent treatment or an intentionally half-done chore signals the person is hurt or annoyed — without requiring the difficult, more vulnerable work of saying it directly.
However, subtle hints and pointed sabotage get a person only so far. Sure, they make it obvious that something is off, but they don’t explain where the resentment is coming from or what you’re supposed to do next, making it impossible to improve things even when you want to.
“You can’t repair what you can’t name,” said Wright. And that uncertainty can be exhausting for your relationship, research shows. Instead of having a real, productive conversation, you’re left trying to fill in blanks: Did I do something wrong? Should I apologize? Or am I making this into a bigger deal than it is?
Here’s how therapists recommend handling it the next time you find yourself in this position.
What often prompts passive-aggressive behavior?
While some people may weaponize mixed messages to control a situation or manipulate their partner, not all passive aggression is calculated or intentional.
Austin-based clinical psychologist Felicia De La Garza Mercer explained that often, it comes from something more complicated: not knowing how — or not feeling safe enough — to express difficult emotions.
Voicing a boundary or complaint can be risky. What if it upsets your partner? What if you’re coming across as needy or difficult? What if it turns into a whole dramatic fight?
For some people, that fear of being up-front runs deeper.
“A person who is consistently passive aggressive has most likely learned from past family or relational situations that directly expressing your feelings and needs is unsafe in some way,” said De La Garza Mercer. “They might’ve been punished or shamed for sharing their feelings.”
Yet while beating around the bush may offer short-term comfort, it creates bigger problems down the line.
For one, Wright said, it reinforces the belief that avoiding direct communication is a healthy way to handle conflict. When really, research shows that strong partnerships depend on the opposite: trusting that you can bring up difficult things and talk them through — as a team.
Not to mention, “if you’re with a passive-aggressive partner, you get angry, too,” De La Garza Mercer said. It’s exhausting to constantly guess what, if anything, is wrong, what you did or how you’re supposed to fix it. “And so resentment starts building up on both sides.”
Best ways to respond to passive-aggressive communication
Everyone has moments when they’re tired, hungry, stressed or not communicating at their best.
Still, if icy silence, sarcastic digs, or weaponized incompetence have become your significant other’s default way of showing they’re upset, it’s worth addressing. While it’s not your job to teach another adult how to use their words, you can change how you respond to their pattern — and avoid getting stuck in the mind-reading game.
Call out the mismatch, not their motive
In your head, the meaning might feel obvious. A one-word text from your usually chatty spouse means they’re mad. A conveniently canceled plan must be retaliation for the last time you bailed.
And maybe you’re right. But calling out what you think they’re feeling can quickly backfire. Instead of addressing the potential problem itself, the discussion is more likely to turn into a defensive debate over whether your interpretation is correct. (“I just forgot.” “It’s not that deep.” “You’re reading too much into it.”)
“What I usually recommend to my clients and couples is simply just observing someone’s behavior,” said De La Garza Mercer.
In other words, focus on what you know and can see happening in front of you. So, instead of assuming, “You’re clearly annoyed, I can tell,” try, “You said earlier you’re not upset, but I noticed you’ve been quiet and withdrawn. I’d really like to talk about what’s going on.” Broaching the subject in this type of non-critical way can lower their guard and make it easier to bring the real issue into the open.
Give them an opening to say what they mean
When someone is already struggling to say what they feel, broad check-ins like “What’s wrong?” or “Are you mad at me?” can invite the same vague answers you’re trying to move past, such as “Nothing,” “I’m fine” or “It’s not a big deal.”
Specific questions, however, narrow the conversation. For example, “Did you mean you’re upset that I went without you?” or “When you said ‘whatever,’ did you mean you were disappointed?”
“You’re effectively offering a translation,” said Wright, giving your partner the chance to own up and admit, “Yes, that bothered me,” or correct course (“No, that’s not it”) — which puts the burden back on them to clarify what they meant.
Know when to stop chasing for an answer
Seeing the person you love suddenly become distant, nitpicky or retaliatory makes it hard not to keep asking, “Are you sure you’re okay?”
At the same time, however, Wright warns that repeatedly chasing for answers reinforces a dangerous message: that mixed messages are an effective way to get attention and reassurance.
“You are allowed to opt out of decoding,” Wright said — but that doesn’t mean matching their coldness or withdrawing to make a point.
Set a firm but compassionate boundary while leaving room for a conversation later on. Some options include, “I really care about what’s bothering you, but I can’t keep guessing.” Or, “I’ve tried a few times to talk openly, but it doesn’t seem like that’s possible right now. I’m going to take a break for a few hours, but I hope we can talk later.”
These phrases should help interrupt the cycle in the moment. Though if passive aggression has become a long-standing pattern in your relationship, they may not be enough.
While a licensed therapist can help you both break out of toxic communication loops, no technique can replace your partner’s willingness to step up and be direct. As Wright explained, it isn’t healthy to stay in a relationship with someone who insists on making you guess what’s broken — and punishes you for not knowing.
The post How to deal with a passive-aggressive partner, according to therapists appeared first on Washington Post.
