Would you let your friend be the copilot of your love life? A new dating trend called “friendfluence” shows that many singles are trusting their pals to guide their dating decisions.
But is this actually a healthy choice?
What Is Friendfluence?
According to Chloë Bean, LMFT, a somatic trauma therapist in Los Angeles, “Friendfluence is about letting your friends into your dating life and operating like co-pilots.”
As its name suggests, the dating trend involves the “influence of friends,” which is quite common—but how much is too much?
“There are [fewer] boundaries with friendfluence; your friend might be vocal about who should get a second date, what is ok and not ok for you,” she explains. “This can feel like a protective dynamic on the surface, but it can create confusion when boundaries are blurred.”
Pros of Friendfluence
It Encourages Support From Friends
Everyone needs support from their loved ones, especially when it comes to the uncertainty of dating.
“If you know you want a friend to weigh in because of their history and you trust their perspective, that can feel supportive and deepen connection with them,” says Bean.
It Offers a Third-Party Perspective
Sometimes, it’s easy to get caught up in an exhilarating connection without noticing warning signs or potential incompatibilities.
“Friends can help catch red flags that you might be ignoring,” Bean says. “They knew you before the other person did.”
It Gives You a Sense of Security
Bean notes that sharing dating experiences with friends can help create a sense of security in dating, which is often unpredictable.
Cons of Friendfluence
It Might Mean Outsourcing Your Own Intuition
While some influence from our friends can be helpful in dating, too much can overshadow your own emotions and intuition.
“This is an example of when it’s unhealthy: you leave a date feeling good and hopeful, but if one friend is skeptical about the person, it leaves you feeling confused about your true feelings,” says Bea. “Your own experience is getting overwritten, and when that happens consistently, you lose access to how you’re feeling about the person.”
Your Friends Might Project Their Fears Onto You
No one is perfect, and this usually isn’t intentional, but sometimes friends can project their own poor dating history or trauma onto yours, creating unnecessary doubts or suspicions.
“If your friends are reacting out of anxiety and their own past experiences or fears are getting projected onto your dates,” says Bean. “If everyone is weighing in on a text from this person, you may start to feel like you have to go with the group’s opinion, a bit of peer pressure.”
It Might Encourage Repeated Self-Abandonment
Unfortunately, not everyone learns to trust their own wants or needs in life. Rather, they’re taught to put others’ happiness before their own. When it comes to friendfluence, this might mean seeking approval from loved ones instead of choosing someone they actually connect with.
“For someone who learned early on to abandon themselves to make others happy so they’d stick around, friendfluence can keep that pattern going: checking everyone else’s feelings except your own and starting to need their permission to date this person,” says Bean.
How to Healthily Engage in ‘Friendfluence’
Given the pros and cons of this dating trend, it’s clear that it should be approached with care. You can consider your friends’ opinions without neglecting or dismissing your own. Don’t give your full power away—not even to those closest to you. No one knows exactly what you want or need except for you.
To healthily engage in “friendfluence,” Bean recommends reflecting on your own feelings before sharing them with your social circle.
“After a date, write down or take a voice note about how you felt with this person before you tell anyone else,” says Bean. “Your reaction, how you felt in your body, without anyone else influencing you, is the clarity. Then let your friends respond to THAT instead of handing them the raw, unprocessed material.”
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