Any time I’m near the ocean, I feel a sense of relief like a breath of fresh air. Admiring its vastness helps my own problems feel small and insignificant. This phenomenon can actually help us better navigate conflicts in our intimate relationships. Dating experts label it the “ocean view.”
What Is an ‘Ocean View’ In Relationships?
According to Dr. Eli Kraiem, a clinical psychologist and professor at Ferkauf Graduate School of Psychology, the “ocean view” in relationships describes “the ability to zoom out from the immediate conflict ensuing and see the relationship at large.”
“When couples are disappointed in one another, their perspective often narrows [to] where the point of contention, such as the forgotten text, critical comment, or disagreement, can feel like evidence of a much larger problem,” Dr. Kraiem says. “When we take the ocean view, we are remembering the broader context of the relationship. This means reflecting on the history that the couple shares together, their partner’s intentions, and stressors that both partners may be experiencing.”
In other words, you’re viewing your relationship as a whole, not as small ripples of conflict or waves of disappointment. The larger picture helps you remember the depth of your connection.
“An ocean view perspective is a helpful metaphor for zooming out from your immediate feelings or conflict and looking at the relationship more holistically,” says Ciara Bogdanovic, Psychotherapist, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and Owner and Founder of Sagebrush Psychotherapy. “When we are feeling angry or hurt, it is easy to feel like that moment defines the entire relationship, that we have always felt this way, and that we will always feel this way. Strong emotions can be incredibly convincing, and they often cloud our perspective.”
How to Use the ‘Ocean View’ Approach
Next time you and your partner get into an argument or inevitably let one another down, which happens in even the healthiest of relationships, challenge yourselves to use the “ocean view” method of conflict resolution.
“Couples can use this approach by asking themselves, ‘What is this conflict really about?’” Kraiem explains. “Another great question to ask is: ‘Will it hurt or help the relationship if I am focused on winning the argument?’ When we ask ourselves these questions, it helps shift us away from blame and encourages an invitational approach toward our partner’s experiences and feelings. Instead of seeing your partner as an opponent, where there are a winner and a loser, they can recognize the cycle that they’ve fallen into, which they both contribute to.”
Kraiem noted that this approach is not meant to minimize real concerns or harmful, abusive behavior. Rather, it’s best for everyday grievances and disagreements.
“It means holding the immediate hurt of the conflict, while also considering the broader perspective of the relationship,” says Kraiem. “This helps couples respond more thoughtfully and repair more effectively, ultimately leading to greater intimacy and connection.”
“When you take a moment to step back and look at the whole picture, you may remember all of the moments your partner has shown up for you, recognize that this conflict is only one part of a much larger relationship, and respond more thoughtfully rather than reacting from the intensity of the moment,” Bogdanovic adds.
This tactic can be incredibly healing for couples who feel trapped in a rut and need to remember why they’re together in the first place.
On the other hand, if you’re in a toxic or unhealthy relationship, you might realize that the entire “ocean” is contaminated, so you can properly move on and save yourself the harm.
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