Fifty years ago, I had a love affair. The woman broke it off after a year, but we remained friendly. Later, I began dating her sister, whom I eventually married. My wife’s sister married, too, and we are all still married today. My sister-in-law and I are friendly, but we rarely speak of our time together. At her 70th birthday party, however, she got uncharacteristically drunk. At the end of the evening, she told me, “If our spouses died, we could be together again.” She said our sex life had been amazing and she had always loved me. I excused myself. I suspect that she has no recollection of this exchange. (She was that drunk!) Should I tell my wife? I try to be honest with her, but I would hate to damage her relationship with her sister.
HUSBAND
Before you potentially blow up the golden years of two couples — and two sisters — let’s consider what your sister-in-law did not say: She did not propose an extramarital affair or even a dalliance. She simply shared her (probably idealized) memories of a relationship that has been over since Gerald Ford was president. Her drunkenness, too, probably played a role in imagining the deaths of two people who are dear to her.
I admire your honesty with your wife. But I doubt that it extends to every idle thought and sexual fantasy that pops into your head. I would offer the same grace to your sister-in-law that you would want in her position. As I understand it, this was a once-in-a-half-century occurrence.
Now, I also imagine that this conversation was uncomfortable for you. Drinking to excess, as your sister-in-law did, can often subject others to real distress. I have no idea whether she suffered an alcohol-induced blackout, as you suspect. Still, it couldn’t hurt to warn her privately about the awkward consequences of heavy drinking — without going into the specifics of her birthday party comments.
Be Present, or Stay Home
My wife and I enjoy hosting parties with live music in our home. The only request we make is that guests refrain from using their phones to record or film the performances. Recently, an attendee openly ignored our wish. I asked him to stop filming, but he refused. He said, “Get over yourself!” — and continued. Is this request a lost cause in the smartphone era?
HOST
I have been to plenty of parties where hosts have asked guests to turn off their phones or to stow them in phone lockers. Their rationale is usually to encourage guests to be more present at the party. Aside from a few parents who refused to be unavailable to their babysitters and others who claimed to be waiting for important work calls, I’ve never seen much pushback. And I enjoy being untethered from my phone for a while.
As with most requests, the trick here is in the asking: Let your guests know in advance what you want. Mention it on the invitation — no recording or filming, please — so guests get used to the idea. As for those who disregard your request or respond rudely to reminders, keep a list of people not to invite back.
The Afterthought’s Complaint
My feelings are hurt. Every year, some relatives travel cross-country to visit my sister, who lives four hours from me. After they have made their plans, they send me a text: “It would be nice if you could come down!” They show no consideration for what I might have going on. I am an afterthought! Clearly, they are closer to my sister, but at 70, I am not inclined to make trips at their convenience. Thoughts?
RELATIVE
It can be tricky to give advice to people whose feelings are hurt. I don’t want to make you feel worse. But you don’t mention investing any energy in your relationships with these relatives: no phone calls or letters during the year. If that’s the case, and if your sister is putting in the work and hosting them at her home, it doesn’t seem unreasonable for them to plan their visits around your sister, and then to invite you to join them. Now, I may misunderstand the situation. But if not, put in some effort with your relatives and watch their consideration for you grow.
Move the Decimal and Double
My friend and I, both in our 20s, had lunch at a full-service table in a bar. We split the bill: $19 each. But I noticed that he tipped only $2 — about 10 percent. I called out his behavior because I thought the service was good and I don’t think people should go to sit-down restaurants if they can’t afford to compensate the service staff. My friend laughed off my nosiness about his tip. Advice?
FRIEND
I agree with the spirit of your complaint: Most servers depend on tips, and the customary range is between 15 and, more often, 20 percent. The problem here is that you have no right to enforce this norm. If you think your friends might benefit from gentle reminders, speak up. Otherwise, it’s none of your business.
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