One of the most frustrating experiences in relationships is when a partner won’t listen to us, whether in conversations or in our requests. For example, your significant other might flat-out ignore you when you tell them about your day; or, on the other hand, they might say they’ll help with chores and never follow through, failing to listen to your pleas for assistance.
Whatever the case, feeling ignored or unheard can create a harmful disconnect in even the healthiest of relationships. Here’s why your partner might not be listening to you—and how to communicate when you don’t feel heard.
4 Reasons Your Partner Won’t Listen to You
Here are four common reasons our partners might tune us out.
1. They’re Thinking Ahead
One of the more innocent reasons your partner might not listen to you is because they’re too busy thinking ahead.
“Sometimes people focus more on what they want to say next instead of really listening,” explains Dr. David Joseph, psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, and author of “Listening for a Lifetime. “It’s common to think about your own reply while someone else is talking.”
2. They Feel Attacked
When someone feels they’re being attacked or criticized by their partner, they might shut down and tune them out. It’s not necessarily an intentional reaction, but rather a protective response.
“They might feel defensive,” Dr. Joseph offers. “What we say can make them uncomfortable, guilty, or anxious.”
“The way we talk can also make it harder for others to listen,” he adds. “If we feel ignored, we might repeat ourselves, sound critical, or make demands, and this can cause the other person to stop listening.”
3. They Might Be Distracted
We all have our own baggage to carry. When we’re overwhelmed by life, it’s easy to tune everyone else out, Dr. Joseph points out. Your partner might simply be stressed and detached, not necessarily from your relationship but from themselves.
4. They Might Be Repeating Old Patterns
Unfortunately, many of us default to our old ways when we’re triggered or in uncomfortable situations.
“Old habits in the relationship can get in the way,” says Dr. Joseph. “Sometimes, partners think they already know what the other will say.”
How to Communicate When You Don’t Feel Heard
Here are three ways to communicate with your partner when you don’t feel heard.
1. Be Calm Yet Clear
Remaining calm isn’t always easy when you’re constantly feeling ignored or misunderstood. But most people don’t respond well to anger. While your frustration is completely valid, it helps to voice your feelings in a calm, direct manner.
“Talk calmly and clearly about how you feel instead of blaming the other person,” says Dr. Joseph. “Be direct about what you need. You can say, “I don’t need advice right now; I just need you to listen.’”
If you continue to feel unheard after choosing this approach, consider removing yourself from the situation or relationship entirely. You shouldn’t have to fall apart in order to be taken seriously.
2. Put Yourself In Your Partner’s Shoes—Without Invalidating Yourself
You can empathize with someone else and consider their point of view without discounting your own. Practice seeing things from both sides while also expecting your partner to do the same. You both matter in the relationship, and one person’s wants or needs are not more important than the other’s.
“Try to understand the other person’s point of view,” says Dr. Joseph. However, “Keep in mind that being heard doesn’t always mean the other person will agree with you. Sometimes, just being understood is enough.”
3. Address the Issue at the Appropriate Time
Timing is everything when it comes to arguments and productive conversations. Try not to lash out in front of your friends or pick a fight during date night. Rather, set aside a dedicated time to talk.
“Pick a time when you both can give your full attention to the conversation,” Dr. Joseph says.
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