Apparently, there’s a new dating “theory” describing a pattern that’s been common for decades: a partner who seems laid-back and easygoing, but is really just passive and low-effort. Or, as the internet is calling it, the “Plastic Bag Theory.”
Men’s Coach Alessandro Frosali popularized this concept in an Instagram video, where he described the common occurrence of men offloading the mental load of a relationship to the woman. Of course, I’d like to be nuanced in this article: anyone, regardless of gender, can become “plastic bags” in their relationships.
And, look, I roll my eyes at every new “theory” as much as the next person. But the underlying concept here does have some validity to it.
Here’s what you should know about the Plastic Bag Theory—and some red flags that you’re partaking in it.
What Is the ‘Plastic Bag Theory’?
According to Dr. Deborah Bloom, psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, and founder and executive director of Thrive Counseling Center, “The plastic bag theory describes a dating pattern in which a partner seems very ‘chill’ or ‘go with the flow,’ but actually lacks a solid sense of their own identity and true engagement in the relationship.”
“What initially seems like security in a partner can reveal itself as enmeshment and an inability to be present in the relationship,” she adds.
Signs You’re the ‘Plastic Bag’ In Your Relationship
Wondering whether you or your partner is a “plastic bag” in your relationship? Here are four red flags to look out for.
1. Poor Sense of Self
Someone who lacks a sense of self will easily look to their partner for purpose and direction.
“Early signs linked to the plastic bag theory include a lack of specific interests, tastes, or conversation direction,” Dr. Bloom points out. “While having a partner who says, ‘Let’s go wherever you want,’ or shares your preferences, can seem great at first, over time, it places an unfair burden on the other partner(s), who are now tasked with making all the decisions.”
2. No Initiation of Important Conversations
A “plastic bag” partner typically avoids discussions about the future, life goals, compatibility issues, or misaligned values unless otherwise prompted.
“Struggling to initiate important conversations is another aspect of this pattern,” says Dr. Bloom. “This partner only discusses big topics like money, family, or sex and intimacy when prompted and often replies, ‘I like what you like’ or ‘I want what you want.’”
3. Lack of Preferences
An “easygoing” partner might actually struggle to define their own likes, needs, values, and opinions, which is a massive red flag. In action, this can be as simple as not knowing where they want to vacation and as complex as being indifferent about the relationship’s future trajectory.
“Can your partner have a perspective and/or their own ideas about this?” Dr. Bloom asks. “Are you able to have healthy disagreements? While constant arguing isn’t ideal, occasional disagreement is normal in a healthy relationship. If you are unable to express opinions or preferences, you may be the plastic bag in your relationship.”
4. Delegation of the Mental Load
One of the most harmful outcomes of the “Plastic Bag Theory” is the unevenly distributed mental load. Typically, the non-plastic bag partner is the one making all the major decisions and plans for the relationship, which becomes exhausting for them.
“If you are the one who always initiates and makes the plans to spend time together, that’s a major red flag,” Dr. Bloom points out. “As the relationship progresses, notice who carries the mental load and the weight of moving it along. Are you the one who has to initiate these conversations?”
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