Did you enjoy constantly checking the news this week to see whether you would suddenly lose access to mifepristone, despite decades of evidence showing it to be safe and effective? Do you just love America having a patchwork of confusing laws that vary from state to state and deny you what until 2022 was guaranteed bodily autonomy? Well, get used to it, ladies!
We saw how much you loved girl math and girl dinners, and we cooked up something extra special (the last time anybody but you will cook, because cooking is your job): girl rights! They’re like regular rights but skimpier.
Everyone knows what a pain it is to have too many rights. Tiny but somehow not-so-portable girl rights solve that problem.
With great power comes great responsibility, and great responsibility sounds exhausting! You might have to dress up as a spider in an unflattering spandex outfit and fight crime. Girl rights are designed just for you and your tiny, delicate hands. Picture the Constitution! Now imagine it’s pink! Also, the Fourteenth Amendment is missing. But more important, it’s pink!
Girl rights exist to solve the many problems that you didn’t realize you had, such as “too much bodily autonomy, ”the epidemic of “male loneliness” (this is your problem to solve, ladies!), and being “under-babied” (our cool, totally not creepy term for when you have fewer children than we want you to have!). To answer your questions: We want 2.1 babies for every fertile vessel, but currently we get only 1.5! No, immigration is not a clear, obvious solution to the demographic issues facing this country, and, yes, we were counting only white babies in those stats! Good catch! The point is: You have the girl right to fix those things.
Don’t you dare be fooled into thinking you’re a person. Real people don’t have to keep checking the news to see if their rights are getting taken away! See also: what the Supreme Court is doing to the Voting Rights Act. Girl rights are just one of many special new categories of cuter, smaller, more delicate rights that people can now enjoy.
Remember, it’s the Bill of Rights, not the Jill of Rights. Are you sure you need access to birth control? I just talked with someone who doesn’t understand science very well, and he said that birth control is getting into our water supply and is the reason his children don’t talk to him anymore. We’d better get to the bottom of this. Are you sure you need to vote? Maybe we should just vote as a household. Are you sure you need to serve in the military? How can you possibly hope to reach the high standard set by Pete Hegseth? (Remember, the most important part of war is pull-ups. This is why things in Iran are going so well.)
Boy rights sound hard. So much grueling voting (if you’re white) and executive power!
None of that stress for you. Just sit back, relax, and—smile, of course. Don’t forget to smile. You look much prettier when you do.
The post Are You Enjoying Your Girl Rights Yet? appeared first on The Atlantic.
