DEAR ABBY: I have a friend I have known for a very long time. We bonded 10 years ago over common interests and mutual friends. Over the years, they have suffered from anxiety, depression, and OCD. In addition, they are also narcissistic, but it has never been a problem before.
I have spent many a day and night on the phone with them for hours, letting them talk out their problems. I have always been supportive and empathetic, offering help or suggestions. Abby, they can’t hold down a job! They invariably quit for some reason or another, and they have a drinking problem as well.
It is becoming increasingly difficult to remain friends. After years of being the supportive friend, it seems that’s all I am. Whenever this friend wants to contact, the entire time is spent talking about them. They never ask how I am doing or what is new with me, and they haven’t in years.
I feel stuck because I don’t want this person to feel I am abandoning them. But I’m mentally and emotionally burnt out from constantly trying to talk them down. They claim they go to therapy and take medication, but I can only take their word for it.
I have tried to be a bit more distant in hopes my friend gets the hint that I can’t be available 100% of the time. The last time they reached out, they claimed they thought they scared me. I want to tell them, “I’m not scared, I’m tired.” How do I approach this? — SO DONE IN NEW YORK
DEAR SO DONE: Here’s how: First, understand that this person will continue to use you (instead of a psychotherapist) as often as you allow it. Begin rationing the time you spend on the phone and in person with them. If this “friend” asks again if they are scaring you, tell them what you have told me, that your energy is being sapped and you can no longer spend hours on the phone with them. If you do, you will be doing both of you a favor.
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DEAR ABBY: We were invited to an out-of-town wedding along with some of our children. It cost several hundred dollars, including airfare, hotel, food, and gifts. The events started Friday afternoon and lasted until Sunday evening. On the Saturday of that weekend, the bride’s family hosted a dinner and informed several of the wedding invitees that they were on their own for that evening. Was that appropriate? Should we say anything to the groom’s family with whom we are associated? — OFFENDED IN KANSAS
DEAR OFFENDED: The rehearsal dinner is traditionally hosted by the groom’s family, but that’s not what this Saturday dinner sounds like, since the bride’s family hosted it. I would imagine that being told at the last minute to fend for yourselves was both jarring and frustrating, so your feelings are understandable. However, I see nothing positive to be gained at this point by pointing it out to the groom’s family, which might only embarrass them.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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