Today, loyalty seems hard to find. From people moving away to straight-up ghosting me, I don’t have as many long-term friends as I’d hoped to have.
I’ve read books on friendship, apologized when I’m at fault, and done my best to work things out, but I’m still always left craving community.
My grandmother, on the other hand, is an expert in long-standing friendships. At 91, she has had the same best friends for more than 60 years. All teachers at the same school, they started their careers together and stayed close, even long after they retired.
Loyalty has always been important to me, but as people have faded out of my life or abruptly left without a word, the longevity of her friendships has become increasingly impressive. How many people can say they’ve been friends with someone for six decades? It’s an accomplishment worthy of celebration. We celebrate marriage anniversaries — why not friendship ones?
A while back, I asked my grandmother what the secret to maintaining these relationships is. And while her generation didn’t prioritize self-preservation over community as we do now, some solid lessons still stand true.
Make time for each other
Throughout my life, I’ve seen my grandma invest in her friendships.
She’d host the group at her home for special birthday celebrations or a monthly lunch, or they’d spend hours talking on the phone. They had set appointments with each other, rather than our current tendency to make vague promises to “get together sometime” that we rarely follow through on.
For my grandma’s group of friends, these appointments weren’t seen as a burden or something to check off a list; instead, they were cherished moments they looked forward to spending together.
Don’t put yourself first always
Today, we’re so focused on ourselves that we rarely slow down to even assess what someone close to us might need.
My grandma’s friends showed that relationships flourish when people are willing to meet each other’s needs. Today’s culture is very set on putting ourselves first. But only doing what “serves” you often ends up serving no one. This was my grandma’s first and foremost advice when I asked why she thinks her friendships have lasted so long. “We put each other first,” she said.
When it comes to lasting friendships, sometimes what the other person needs matters more than what we want.
Value each other
My grandma’s friendships are strong in part because they truly appreciate each other. When I asked why her friend Clarice stood out to her, she said she simply acted with qualities she finds especially important: honesty and integrity. “It’s an honor just to know her,” she said.
My friendship goal is to surround myself with people I feel this way about, and to value them so they can say the same of me.
There’s a lot we could learn from older generations about friendship. People didn’t cut each other off over nothing, and the term “ghosting” was still a blessedly nonexistent concept. But more than anything, people just made time for what matters. No matter what phase of life you’re in, friendships require time, effort, and sometimes sacrifice.
I don’t know anyone else who has had the same friends for six decades, but I can do my best to strive toward lasting loyalty in my friendships — and maybe one day, I’ll be able to look back and see the same people with me now standing by my side in 60 years.
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