I didn’t realize the weight of my decision until I was in the cab on the way to the airport with my partner of three years, feeling completely frozen.
When we arrived, I’d be boarding a flight, and he’d be staying behind.
A few months ago, we’d had the “Should we move in together talk?” and I’d panicked. My yes didn’t feel as confident as his — as much as I believed in our relationship, I wasn’t sure if I was ready for the next step.
I felt like I needed more time to become more sure of who I was before I could take this step to focus on us, and I wanted to do so without the comforts he provided me.
So, I booked a flight to one of my favorite cities, Paris, where I’d spend the next six weeks living alone, working remotely (thanks to my job’s flexible policy), and knowing no one.
What I learned during my trip not only changed how I felt about our next step, but also how I felt about myself.
Although I was scared, being alone helped me strengthen my relationship with myself
When I arrived, I quickly realized how rusty my French was. It made mundane activities incredibly uncomfortable, whether I was ordering a latte or asking a cashier where the dishwasher pods were.
As I ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner alone, my thoughts were my only company. Being alone wasn’t easy.
Once it became clear that this discomfort wasn’t going anywhere, I pushed myself to find some comfort in it by practicing small acts of bravery every day.
I soon discovered that bravery is a muscle — the more you use it, the stronger it gets. Each step outside my comfort zone helped me feel like I could conquer bigger challenges.
I fell in love with sitting on my balcony to people-watch, strolling along the Seine River, and just enjoying my own company. Instead of scrolling on my phone during solo meals, I put it away to focus on living in the present and taking in my surroundings.
On one of my bravest days, I struck up a conversation with three strangers in a park and actually made friends. (One of them even recently visited me in New York.)
I was reminded every day that I could do scary things, and I could do them alone.
In week three, I decided to take a weekend trip to Nice. While I was getting ready for another solo beach day, I looked in the mirror — I mean really looked — for the first time in a while. A question popped into my head: How do I actually feel about myself?
Now, if you asked anyone in my life, they would tell you I’m a confident person — I’ve even given a TEDx Talk about self-love. However, even someone who’s built a career on confidence can get lost when it comes to this question.
I realized that because I had spent the last three years with a partner who never made me question how he felt about me, I stopped asking how I felt about myself.
When you have validation from someone who loves you, it’s easy to forget the importance of making sure you still love the person looking back at you first. I decided to reclaim my self-worth on that trip.
I wore bikinis on the beach without worrying about how I looked, I listened to my body, and I spent time with my thoughts without judging them.
There was no opinion I cared about here except my own.
I realized I could keep growing on my own while still taking the next steps in my relationship
Sometimes we use relationships as distractions from finding out who we are on our own, but this experience pushed me to take a closer look at myself.
By the end of the six weeks, I had checked off everything on my Paris bucket list, and I’d truly become comfortable being alone. I had returned to myself, only then realizing how lost I had felt before I arrived.
After I returned to New York, my boyfriend and I moved in together. I didn’t get lost in the relationship like I’d worried because I had reconnected with who I was outside of it.
The classic trope about relationships is that you need to do all of your growing before you “settle down.” However, I realized that a healthy relationship won’t hinder your self-growth but will become stronger from it.
You don’t have to choose between personal growth and growing your relationship — there’s enough room in the right relationship for both.
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