My sister hosts most family holiday gatherings, having taken over from our elderly mother. My wife and I live far away, but for 20 years, we have made a genuine effort to attend. Still, we often decline because of the distance. My sister has long expressed resentment over our absences: She lays guilt trips on us when we say no, and the tension is heavy when we attend. This Easter, we were not invited at all. When I asked my mother about it, she suggested I call my sister if I wanted to come. But I can’t bring myself to ask to be invited. That would reinforce our guilt-based dynamic where I’m responsible for her resentment. And I don’t believe it would improve our relationship. Is it reasonable to step away from these gatherings?
BROTHER
I receive a lot of letters like yours. Like you, many of us are quick to assert our blamelessness and to accuse the other person of bad behavior. Here, the bad behavior includes your sister’s guilt trips and unfair exclusion of you. And no matter how long a conflict lasts — years, in this case — letter writers rarely report having spoken to the other person directly about the problem. The reason: They claim to know the outcome of these conversations before they even happen. Nothing will improve, you say.
Now, I suspect you (mostly) believe this story. But the fact that you are writing to a stranger about this impasse suggests to me that you’re worried your sister may have some claim. Perhaps, for instance, she resents the physical and emotional labor of hosting family holidays year after year. (I would!) Just because you live at a distance is no reason not to pitch in occasionally.
So, I come back to your mother’s sage advice: Call your sister! But not to convince her that you’re right and she’s dysfunctional. Ask her what’s bugging her — and then listen patiently. If she has no reasonable complaint, as you suspect, assure her that you would love to be there if it weren’t for the long holiday drive. Or she may have something interesting to say. But you will never know until you call.
The Masticator’s Symphony
Like me, my 23-year-old daughter is sensitive to loud chewing noises. I deal with it by removing myself from situations: not sitting near people who chew loudly or eating alone in my office. But my daughter doesn’t have that option. She works in a small lab and sits beside a loud chewer. Earbuds don’t cover the noise, and there is nowhere else for her to sit. What can she say to her co-worker — if anything?
SENSITIVE
This problem is awkward, I think, because audible chewing usually comes from people who don’t close their mouths when they eat or who eat quickly. Both are traditional hallmarks of bad manners, and it’s not easy to tell others they are being impolite. So, I suggest your daughter present the issue to her co-worker as a “me” problem — not a “you” problem. She should do this privately and not during lunch.
She can confide in her co-worker that she has a sensitivity to loud, repetitive noises, like chewing, and that it would be a big favor to her if the co-worker tried to chew more quietly. If the prospect of this conversation is as unappealing to your daughter as it is to me, suggest that she buy a pair a noise-canceling headphones, which are more effective than earbuds.
If Three’s a Crowd, Seven’s a Caravan
I have not a social conundrum, but a heartache. I learned that three of my best friends have gone on weekly walks for months without including me. Three acquaintances are also part of the group. I discovered this during a conversation with a friend. I was stunned! Worse, I later bumped into the group while walking in the park. The next week, I was invited to join them, but I am incredibly hurt. I want to share my pain with my friends, but guilt is not a healthy friendship glue. Thoughts?
HEARTBROKEN
It can feel awful to be excluded. I’m sorry for you. But I would caution you not to jump to conclusions where close friends are concerned. Is it possible that the walking group was organized by one of the acquaintances, who didn’t think it was vital to include you? Was walking part of your exercise regimen before you discovered your friends out walking? (They did invite you once they saw you, after all.) It’s important to share feelings with friends. But it’s worth trying to give them the benefit of the doubt, too.
Not What You Were Hired to Clean
I use a housecleaning service, and one of its workers has cleaned my home for over 10 years. Occasionally, she is teamed up with a co-worker who takes the liberty of using the primary bathroom and, specifically, my bidet. I am horrified to see evidence of its use after the cleaners leave. It’s awkward to mention, and I hesitate to report it to the management company in case it jeopardizes anyone’s employment. Ideas?
EMPLOYER
Why say anything to the management company? Simply tell your longtime cleaner and her occasional co-worker not to use the primary bathroom. Direct them to a secondary bathroom instead. The end!
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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