My boyfriend and I were talking about protecting human life, and he said that he doesn’t believe that human life is necessarily worth more than any other kind of life. For example, he said that if one of our cats were drowning next to a human who was a stranger to us (who was also drowning) and he could save just one, he would choose our cat. Is this morally wrong?
— Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
For many people, pets are fictive kin; they’re considered part of the family. In one study I’ve seen, hundreds of people were asked to consider how they’d respond if their pet ran in front of a bus at the same time that a foreign tourist stepped in front of it. They can only save one; the other will be killed. Which would they rescue? What the experimental psychologist Richard Topolski and colleagues found was that about 40 percent of respondents said they’d save their pet. If the choice were between their pet and a hometown stranger? The numbers dropped by just a few percentage points. A distant cousin? Almost a quarter of respondents still put their pet first. Not just any pet, mind you — they were choosing their pet.
These aren’t people with some grave defect of character. They have a duty of care toward their animal companion; the creature depends on them and, over time, they’ve developed a strong bond: a sense of affection, companionship, loyalty, all twined around a whole lot of memories. So the choice of plumping for your pet is, you could say, very human.
But yes, it’s very wrong. (In states with “duty to rescue” laws, it could be illegal too.) Those human strangers? They had rich emotional lives and they had plans, short-term and long-term, big and small; it’s a good guess that they were also part of other people’s plans, other people’s emotional lives. They had friends, co-workers, kin, dependents — maybe some assortment of parents, children, siblings, cousins — and possibly a spouse or life companion. You can expect the suffering that their death will bring to be deep, the ripple effects wide.
We shouldn’t assume that how people respond on questionnaires will necessarily predict how they’ll respond in real life, of course. Still, to see the full, reciprocal and socially enmeshed humanity of an abstract stranger can take work. I’m saying that your boyfriend is wrong; I’m not saying that he’s rotten. The more pressing question for you is this: If he had to choose between you and one of those cats, would he have to think it over?
A Bonus Question
On a few occasions, I went to Overeaters Anonymous meetings. I remember a woman sharing about how she used to steal other people’s food from the shared refrigerator where she was employed. Imagine my surprise when she showed up for a job interview a few months later where I was working. I didn’t tell anyone about her. Was I correct in protecting her anonymity? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
The name is a giveaway: Meetings like those of Overeaters Anonymous are meant to be zones of confidentiality. People confess to things there because they think the information won’t be used against them. Without that protection, the meetings wouldn’t work as they are supposed to. Given that this woman had been dealing with her compulsive eating, it was surely less likely that she’d steal food again. But even if there was a chance of that, it wasn’t a big enough risk to justify the breach of confidentiality. And if she had become a co-worker, you could have taken her aside and offered to help if she ever felt tempted.
Readers Respond
Last week’s question was from a reader whose girlfriend expressed her love, but those feelings weren’t fully reciprocated. They wrote: “I’ve been dating my girlfriend for more than six months now, and we’ve been going along really well ever since we first met. Time together is always of quality, and I care a lot about her. A few weeks ago, she told me for the first time that she loved me. Although her words meant a lot to me, it led me to believe that I wasn’t sure I actually loved her — though I care deeply about our relationship. Is it wrong to say ‘I love you’ if I am not sure I’m actually in love? I’m afraid this could lead us to end our relationship otherwise.”
In his response, the Ethicist noted: “I’d suggest that you try speaking to her — opening yourself up to her — with a full heart. As your copine surely knows, people in a couple who come to love each other don’t necessarily do so simultaneously. It sounds as if she’s willing to give you time and space to develop your feelings at your own pace. And an honest conversation is how the deeper ethical work of love happens — the work of seeing, honoring and caring.
But if she has a vision of a shared future that doesn’t resonate with you — if you consider the relationship comfortable but not necessarily for keeps? In that case, exaggerating your feelings in order to preserve the status quo would amount to ‘breadcrumbing’: leading her on, and preventing her from moving along with her life. The prototype breadcrumber is the manipulative cad who just wants to keep all options open on a Friday night. More typical breadcrumbers, I suspect, are driven not by cynicism but by uncertainty, and by a desire to avoid conflict. They may tell themselves that they’re being kind as they postpone a reckoning.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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If I had lied, and said I loved her when it wasn’t true, I would have felt guilty about the lie, and resented her for putting me in a situation where I felt pressured to lie. It might well have messed up the relationship badly enough that I would not have been able, a few months later, to say “I love you” and mean it. And marry her, the love of my life. Not saying that choosing the path of honesty could not have gone very badly, but for me it went very, very well. — Ed
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Regarding the surprise “I love you” declaration, I’ve been on both sides of this equation, so I can empathize — especially as I often tend to be the one doing the declaring! As the recipient, however, I think you could initiate a kind and gentle discussion, acknowledge the importance of the stated feelings, say you feel very affectionate/comfortable in her company or whatever is true, but above all stay honest and don’t say the L-word unless you mean it. And please avoid mealy-mouthed phrases like “I love you but not in that way,” as this is no comfort to the recipient. A heartfelt thank you, an acknowledgment of the feelings (“It means a lot to me”) and an emphasis on the good feelings you have toward her without raising false hope is, I think, the kindest and most ethical route. Tricky to navigate and the conversation could go in many directions — but love is like this, and you will both benefit from negotiating this with tact and care. — Sheena
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When my then boyfriend told me after several months of dating that he loved me, I just said I wasn’t there yet. That was over 30 years ago, and now he’s my husband. It’s OK to wait to respond. — Gerry
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The writer reminds me of a couple of old relationships when I was young. There was a lot of caring about each other, and in one of them we got along like peas and carrots too. It wasn’t until another relationship later on that what I felt came out of the blue — as if I had been hit by a wave I never saw coming. Everything about that feeling was new and vulnerable and scary and made us both insanely happy. I honestly don’t know if that’s the only version of “real” love, and even now I’m a bit of a cynic, but I think everyone deserves a chance at that kind of love. Fibbing about it to keep a relationship, or exaggerating feelings to avoid hurting someone, will just end up hurting you both more later. — J.
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