The Internet Is an Angry, Optimistic Place, Week #9

Welcome to RATED AND SLATED, the column that’s terminally online so you don’t have to be.

I never thought I’d say this, but Nick Fuentes had the right idea—a warm bath really was the best way to enjoy the US midterm election results.
Nick was a little stressed at first, but after I lit some candles and made us a couple of peppermint mochas, he really loosened up.

Afterwards, I got him a really comfortable blanket and a hoodie, and he was almost got over the big Democrat win before the pizza arrived.
It really was the perfect evening. I don’t know why anyone would say this is gay. We’re just two politics enjoyers coming together across the aisle.

RATED AND SLATED

WOKEMAXXING

Hello millennial optimism my old friend. The Senate and the House are woke once more and this might just be the hopecore talking, but if we all put our pronouns back in our bios at the same time then it might just open up a hole in the space-time continuum and take us back to 2016. If we can keep Prince away from the fentanyl and get Bowie on some peptides, then maybe this whole mess can be averted.

JOHNNY DEPP AS SCROOGE

Can we be entirely sure that Johnny Depp is actually in character here and is not in fact being visited by the ghosts of his past (Amber Heard), present (his ruined career), and future (an assisted-living facility where staff spoon meals directly into his once beautiful face).

THE WORLD OF DAVID WALLIAMS

Do spare a thought for the poor VICE journalist who was on their way to Alton Towers just as it was announced that The World of David Walliams would be closing. They got as far as the service station at Newport Pagnell when the acid kicked in. Everyone started looking like a character out of Little Britain, and in the toilets, the face of Matt Lucas stared back from the mirror. Better get a Burger King, it’s going to be a lengthy detour. 

NOT HAVING KIDS

If a life without children seems like one of woeful self-indulgence and hedonism then think again. I’ve found a healthy outlet for the energy that would otherwise go into making a family—constructing a scale replica of the giant mecha out of Gundam Wing. While my friends busy themselves with school runs and soccer practice, I’m building a fully sustainable armored mobile suit in an abandoned warehouse just off skid row. This wholesome hobby is also environmentally-friendly as I’m only using recycled material: all these used syringes, glass pipes, ziplock bags, and sheets of aluminium foil, which I’d just be throwing away otherwise. Only problem is, I don’t know who to leave my XXXG-01W Wing Gundam to when I die, which is a pressing concern right now as my heart beat is a little off after that last speed ball.

YOU CAN’T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT

Sam Fender is a man of the people and understands that in the UK right now you can’t always get what you want—freedom of speech, an affordable pint, face-sitting porn—but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need from the nation’s premier department store: A new Dual Boiler Automatic Bean to Cup Coffee Machine, which, retailing at £2,249.95, you’d need Rolling Stones royalties to actually afford.

PURE DEVOTION TO A BIT

Overmono called, and they’re gonna need that dog back Andrew.

3 SMALL MERCIES

IT’S GONNA BE OK (I PROMISE)

So you’re telling me that in 2028, Donald Trump will be out of work and we’re gonna get a new My Chemical Romance record? Those Etsy witches really have been busy recently.

RED PANTS

Wrong. I am Big Ledge. I could easily rock these on the strip. You won’t be laughing when I’m riding in a limousine with the baddie I pulled after winning big using this deck of marked cards. We’ll be drinking champagne until the casino gangsters strangle me to death with my own flares.

DRAMATIC EXITS

Dying at a birthday party after devouring the aesthetic social media cake? That’s my weekend plans sorted. (Only joking, I’ll be having another bubble bath with Nick Fuentes instead).

Follow Adam on Instagram @yungtolstoi

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