Cheryl Groskopf, a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, once lived next door to a very loud little dog. It barked for hours at a time, including as she worked from home and tried to sleep at night. She initially chalked up the barking to puppyhood, but it kept getting worse. “The tiniest little jingle of the keys would set it off,” she says.
Eventually, she stopped barbecuing in her backyard—her favorite pastime—because her presence there triggered the dog. But then she realized the absurdity of the situation. “Wait, no,” she recalls thinking. “I should be outside.” She finally texted her neighbor to ask if everything was OK. Her neighbor’s response: “Oh my God, I didn’t know it was this bad.”
By then, Groskopf had developed a less charitable explanation. “She doesn’t care about her dog,” she recalls thinking. “She doesn’t care about her neighbors.” Having a therapist’s tools hadn’t made her immune to resentment—and it didn’t make the prospect of speaking up any less awkward. “You want to maintain a relationship with someone you have to see regularly,” she says.
So how do you ask for quiet without making every subsequent encounter uncomfortable? We asked experts what to say—and how to follow up if the barking continues.
How to talk to your neighbor about their barking dog
If you decide it’s worth speaking up, choose a calm moment. (Not an afternoon when you’re fired up from a constant soundtrack of barking.) Enter the conversation with an open mind. Your neighbor might not have any idea how much of their dog’s day you’re hearing—or how much it’s disrupting yours.
That can feel like a particularly generous interpretation when you haven’t had a decent night’s sleep all week. “You’re exhausted, you’re frustrated, and there’s 15 arguments in your head about why this person sucks,” Groskopf says. Before sending that pivotal text, she poured her unfiltered feelings into her Notes app first—cuss words included—then waited an hour before drafting something she could actually send.
If you’re going the face-to-face route, ask if it’s an OK time for a conversation before launching into a complaint, advises Sarah Gershman, an executive speech coach who teaches communication at Georgetown University and Johns Hopkins University. She likes this wording: “I was hoping we could talk about something that’s been bothering me. I’d love to share my perspective, hear yours, and see if we can figure out a solution together.”
Then explain what’s happening on your side of the wall or fence. Gershman suggests: “I’ve been waking up at night because of your dog barking, and it’s been hard to get back to sleep. I realize you may not even know this is happening. I’m wondering if we can figure something out together.” Ask whether they’ve noticed the barking and what might be setting it off. “You don’t know what their intent is,” she says, “but you do know the impact it’s having on your life.”
A few specifics can help keep everyone from barking up the wrong tree. Instead of complaining that the chihuahua next door howls “all day,” provide exact times and durations, suggests Kate LaSala, a dog trainer and behavior consultant in New York who specializes in fear, aggression, and separation anxiety. Perhaps the dog barked from 9 to 9:42 a.m., then again from 10:10 to 10:20. Those details can help the owner connect the noise to a delivery, a visitor, or being left alone.
If you’re concerned about the dog, say so. LaSala suggests explaining that “your dog sounds like they might be in distress or panicked.” You’re giving the owner information they can use to help their pet, which could improve life on both sides of the fence.
What to say if your neighbor gets defensive
Your neighbor might have a simple retort to your complaint: “Dogs bark.” Resist the urge to bark back. Before explaining why this particular barking is a problem, show them that you understand their perspective, Gershman suggests. If you live in a pet-friendly building, for example, acknowledge that they’re allowed to have a dog and that some barking is inevitable. “They’re more likely to listen because they feel understood,” she says.
Then bring the conversation back to what you need. Groskopf suggests saying: “Of course, I completely understand that dogs bark, and I’m not expecting total silence. I’m just hoping we can figure out something that helps with the barking in the mornings because it’s really affecting my sleep.” You can be understanding without downplaying how much it’s bothering you.
If the exchange keeps getting heated, give yourself permission to end it. “This might not be the best time,” Gershman suggests saying. Offer to revisit the conversation later, when you both have a better chance of hearing each other.
What to do if your neighbor’s dog keeps barking
Maybe your neighbor was apologetic and promised to work on it, and you returned home feeling hopeful. A week later, you’re still getting an unsolicited 6 a.m. wake-up call. Follow up without assuming they’ve forgotten—or decided your sleep is expendable. Groskopf suggests: “Hey, I really appreciated you talking with me about this last week. The barking is still happening around the same time, so I wanted to check in about what else we could try.”
If the owner is working with a trainer or veterinarian, allow time for progress. The cause of the barking matters, LaSala says: A dog reacting to deliveries needs different help from one who panics when left alone. “Behavior change takes time,” she says. Ask what they’re trying, and talk about what might reduce the disruption in the meantime. Depending on the situation, that could mean keeping the dog inside during early-morning hours or finding someone to stay with them while the owner is out.
Resist the urge to bang on the ceiling to make your point. Doing so can startle the dog and make the barking worse, LaSala says. If repeated conversations get you nowhere, bring your record of barking times to your landlord, building manager, or homeowners association, LaSala suggests. If you don’t have one, check which local office handles noise complaints. You can also use earplugs or a white-noise machine for some immediate relief while you pursue a solution.
And remember that being considerate doesn’t require giving up ordinary pleasures in your own home. Groskopf eventually moved, after the initial improvement following her conversation gave way to more problems. Only afterward did she recognize how much she’d been adjusting her life around the neighbor’s dog. These days, she reads on her porch every day. “Just having that back is everything,” she says.
The post What to Say When Your Neighbor’s Dog Won’t Stop Barking appeared first on TIME.
