When some men got divorced in their 30s or 40s, they probably weren’t thinking about who would drive them to doctor’s appointments when they’re 80. Now, decades later, they’re finding out the kids they lost touch with aren’t really interested in picking up.
Researchers at Spain’s University of Granada heard stories like this while interviewing older divorced and separated adults living on their own. Some fathers had moved away after their marriages ended, gradually losing contact with their children as the years passed. One 85-year-old hadn’t seen his kids since 2013. “That’s hard, but what can I do?” he said.
The mothers in the study had their own struggles. Many raised their kids with little financial support from their ex-husbands, but those same kids were still calling and coming around to visit. Money was another story. After years of working jobs with little pay, some women couldn’t afford to hire help around the house as they got older.
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And this isn’t limited to Spain. A U.S. study found that after divorce past 50, fathers were less likely to have frequent contact with their adult children, while mothers’ odds of staying in touch doubled. Researchers in Germany found something similar, suggesting divorced fathers face a greater risk of growing old without much family support.
In a lot of families, Mom is the one making sure everyone stays in touch. She remembers the birthdays and calls to see how the kids are doing, while Dad gets to enjoy those relationships without doing much to maintain them. Sociologists call this “kinkeeping,” and divorce can be a rude awakening for men who’ve relied on their wives to do it for years.
Friends aren’t always available to fill that void, either. According to the Survey Center on American Life, the percentage of American men with no close friends increased from 3% in 1990 to 15% in 2021. And as people age, having nobody to help with everyday needs can become a serious concern.
Geriatrician Maria Carney calls older adults without available caregivers “elder orphans.” Her research estimates that nearly a quarter of Americans over 65 either lack someone to help them or are at risk of ending up in that situation.
There is some good news, though. Rutgers sociologist Jocelyn Elise Crowley found that fathers can reconnect with their adult children, even after years apart. Of course, that requires effort. If you’ve spent decades expecting someone else to maintain your family relationships, you might have to be the one who finally picks up the phone.
The post Why Some Divorced Men End Up Alone in Old Age, According to Science appeared first on VICE.
