You’ve got 47 unread messages in the group chat, including one from a friend asking if anyone wants to get together this weekend. You saw it. You even considered answering. But you’ve had a long week, and making plans sounds exhausting, so you mute the conversation and go back to scrolling. You’re “protecting your peace,” after all.
That little phrase has been all over the place lately. It made sense when we were talking about manipulative exes and people who made your life miserable. Now, though, it also applies to friends who have the audacity to invite you to dinner.
Vox reporter Allie Volpe has written about the problem, arguing that “people are not problems to be rooted out and then discarded.” We’ve gotten awfully comfortable calling it self-care when, actually, we just don’t want to deal with other people.
Clinical psychotherapist Julie Sweet told Body+Soul that we’ve gotten carried away with therapy terms like “toxic” and “boundaries.” Taking some time to yourself is one thing. Ignoring your friends for a month because you can’t be bothered to answer a text gets old for everybody involved.
And I get it. You’re exhausted, and the last thing you want is another notification demanding your attention. A few days go by, and now you feel like a jerk for ignoring everyone. By the time you think to answer, it’s been three weeks, and you’re trying to rejoin the conversation without explaining your silence.
Why ‘Protecting Your Peace’ Could Be Making You Lonelier
Sweet warned that the temporary relief of withdrawing from social obligations can leave people feeling lonelier over time. And making new friends as an adult is already enough of a pain in the ass.
University of Kansas researcher Jeffrey Hall found that developing a close friendship takes over 200 hours together. That’s a lot of dinners and weekends spent hanging out. Given how hard it can be to coordinate an evening with three adults with jobs, maintaining those relationships will take effort.
For friends wondering why you’ve disappeared, Sweet recommends checking in without sounding accusatory. Something like, “I’ve noticed we haven’t connected as much lately, and I miss you. Is everything okay between us?”
If you’ve been the one doing the avoiding, you can admit you’ve been overwhelmed and make plans to see them. You don’t need a lengthy explanation about your emotional capacity.
You’re allowed to want time to yourself. Your friends are also allowed to get tired of being the only ones making an effort. Just know that the dinner invitation might stop coming.
The post The 3 Words That Could Be Giving You an Excuse to Ghost Your Friends appeared first on VICE.
